IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some counties the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

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The graph of
increase
Add an article
the increase
show examples
 in
weight
Use synonyms
 shoots like a rocket which
results
Add the preposition
results in
results from
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 reduction
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 fitness level and poor health.There are so many major problems
Correct pronoun usage
that causes
show examples
causes
Correct subject-verb agreement
cause
show examples
 reasons behind
this
Linking Words
as well
Linking Words
as
Correct word choice
and
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this
Linking Words
 can
be resolve
Change the verb form
be resolved
show examples
 by taking
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 measures.
Further
Linking Words
,
paragraph
Add an article
the paragraph
a paragraph
show examples
 will elucidate
this
Linking Words
 topic clearly. First and the foremost reason
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
weight
Use synonyms
gaining
Replace the word
gain
show examples
 is junk
food
Use synonyms
.People love to eat
food
Use synonyms
 in
restraunts
Correct your spelling
restaurants
 and even like street
food
Use synonyms
 because they find it more tasty as compared to healthy
food
Use synonyms
. On the
otherhand
Correct your spelling
other hand
,
sleeping
Add an article
the sleeping
a sleeping
show examples
 cycle may
also
Linking Words
 increase
weight
Use synonyms
. Usage of electronic devices like mobile phones and watching
late night
Add a hyphen
late-night
show examples
 television results
interrupt
Change preposition
in interrupting
show examples
 their sleep cycle and even though pupils are not concentrating
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 amount of junk
food
Use synonyms
 they eat
while
Linking Words
 doing these activities.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
India
Add a comma
India,
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 there is a recent survey done by
health
Correct article usage
the health
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 and ministry department that the rate of obesity
is
Verb problem
has increased by
show examples
 80% hike as per the past few years.
Secondly
Linking Words
, another reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 obesity is
work
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
load
Correct your spelling
workload
show examples
. Increasing
amount
Correct article usage
the amount
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 of work specifically
home based
Add a hyphen
home-based
show examples
 work has
an adverse effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
an adverse effect
adverse effects
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 on everyone's life because of not getting proper time to eat and increases the amount of stress as well.
Therefore
Linking Words
,stress is
also
Linking Words
 one of the
another reason
Fix the agreement mistake
other reasons
show examples
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
Correct article usage
the incremention
show examples
incremention
Correct your spelling
incrementation
increment
incrementing
 of
weight
Use synonyms
 and
reduction
Correct article usage
the reduction
show examples
 of fitness level.
Lastly
Linking Words
, there are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 measure which needs to be implemented to lead
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 life
is
Verb problem
such as
show examples
 making a proper schedule in which individuals
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
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 to plan their daily chores and
accordingly
Linking Words
 proper planning of healthy
food
Use synonyms
 intake with proper
nutritions
Fix the agreement mistake
nutrition
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,scheduling
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
 either in
gym
Add an article
the gym
a gym
show examples
 or at home
atleast
Correct your spelling
at least
need to spend
Verb problem
requires
show examples
30 minutes
basic
Change preposition
of basic
show examples
 exercise which helps them to be
energetics
Correct your spelling
energetic
show examples
 throughout the day. Apparently,
avoid
Wrong verb form
avoiding
show examples
 alcohol
consumptions
Fix the agreement mistake
consumption
show examples
 and
improvement in
Replace the word
improving
show examples
 sleep time provide us
a
Add the preposition
with a
show examples
huge difference.
To conclude
Linking Words
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
 taking simple steps to keep
themselve
Correct your spelling
themselves
 healthy and fit is healthy diet inclusion of exercise and
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 way to keep
themselve
Correct your spelling
themselves
stress
Replace the word
stressed
show examples
 free is meditation . By following these easy steps the graph of fitness level drastically shoots up and individuals
feels
Correct subject-verb agreement
feel
show examples
 like a bed of roses in their life.

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task achievement
Avoid overly informal phrases such as 'shoots like a rocket' which don't contribute to a formal tone. Instead, use straightforward language to describe trends.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your thesis statement clearly outlines the arguments you will present in the essay. This helps guide the reader through your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to logically connect each idea in your paragraphs. Transition words and phrases can help guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
task achievement
Expand on your points with more specific examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments and provide clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Use proper punctuation and spacing in sentences; ensure that commas and periods are used correctly to improve the readability of your essay.
task achievement
The essay identifies multiple causes of obesity and health issues, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your inclusion of specific examples, such as the survey in India, adds credibility to your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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