IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Employees sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#employees #people #jobs #information #hobbies #interests
In recent years, maintaining boundaries in the workplace has become a hot topic everywhere. As is experienced in job interviews, some managers ask job applicants about their private backgrounds like their hobbies and preferences, and
also
 their marital status.
While
 some individuals believe that
this
 type of data could become handy, others think quite the opposite. I personally agree with the first opinion. In
this
 essay, the debate will be investigated. The supporters of the fact that enquiring employees about their personal data is completely normal and beneficial as well, demonstrate some significant logic. One notable result of knowing
this
 information about the staff is that employers get to build a more efficient relationship with their workforce which will end up in a more functional workplace. As an example, having known the personal interests of the staff, some companies assign their workers suitable tasks regarding their emotional and physical capabilities in order to maximize the efficiency of the outcomes. On top of that, when the employees are asked about their personal preferences, it gives them a sense of being cared about which will result in having a more loyal workforce.
On the other hand
, the opponents of
this
 attitude note some debatable facts. The most significant reason for their disagreement is that asking people about their private matters is somehow a violation of privacy.
For instance
, some individuals, especially women, do not like to share whether they are single or not, and it is their right not to answer
such
 questions.
In addition
, some data might even not be relevant and crucial enough to be shared. All in all,
although
 digging into the personal information of the staff may sometimes be unpleasant in some cases, the merits of
this
 behaviour outweigh the demerits. From my point of view, if answering these types of questions is optional, it is totally all right for employers to ask
such
 questions.
Submitted by basri.fateme on

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task achievement
Try to expand on specific examples to strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all main points are equally supported with evidence or examples. Some points in your essay lack this level of support.
task achievement
You've successfully presented both sides of the argument and included your personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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