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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

discuss the causes of children academic, social and commercial pressures. and give measures to the same

In recent years, young
children
Use synonyms
 are experiencing immense pressure from academic, social and commercial outlooks. Modern society has never been easy on
children
Use synonyms
, regardless of enhancement in social structures and behavioural systems.
This
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 essay will discuss both the causes and effects of
this
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 issue with a logical narration.
To begin
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 with, the most significant pressure faced by young people is academic competition. Even though society has come forward in many areas, the old-fashioned standardized assessments and admission processes in schools and universities have never shifted.
This
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 means
children
Use synonyms
 have to compete with each other from an early age, and it can result in increased anxiety and stress among them.
According to
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 many studies, the educational system has a significant impact on the well-being of young kids.
Therefore
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, a practical approach should be considered by the government and authorities which can implement the learning system without overwhelming the students.
Furthermore
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, social media platforms
regarded
Add a missing verb
are regarded
show examples
 as places that
requires
Change the verb form
require
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 social acceptance.
This
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 is where young people often lose themselves by comparing their lives with peers.
Therefore
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, the restriction of social media and internet browsing for
under-aged
Correct article usage
the under-aged
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 could be a great way out of it. Primarily with
this
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 measure,
children
Use synonyms
's mental health can be protected from cyberbullying and emotional strains.
In addition
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, the commercial influences
over
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 are notable, especially during adolescence. To illustrate, the marketing of fairness creams and other beauty products is targeted at these groups of kids via popular celebrities. Because of
this
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,
children
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 tend to create unrealistic expectations and it directly increases their stress to meet these societal standards.
Thus
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, it is important that governments should introduce regulations for these unreal commercial advertising approaches. In conclusion, nowadays, the pressure on young people is massive from different angles of lives, built by social expectations.
This
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 could lead to intolerable suffering for young kids which may result in noxious outcomes, so governments and officials need to come forward with effective steps like awareness campaigns or new rules and legislation to control social media and commercial networks

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task achievement
Consider adding more examples throughout the essay to strengthen your arguments, particularly in the social and commercial pressures sections.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, consider using clearer transitions between paragraphs to better guide the reader through your points.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to include a more developed conclusion that summarizes the main points discussed in the essay more effectively.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic clearly and provides relevant arguments regarding academic, social, and commercial pressures.
coherence cohesion
The introduction outlines the purpose of the essay effectively, setting a good foundation for the discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Pressures
  • Stress
  • Competition
  • Expectations
  • Peer influence
  • Technology
  • Media
  • Standardization
  • Balanced lifestyle
  • Extracurriculars
  • Education reform
  • Financial support
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