IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful, but they are also likely to suffer from negative social consequences. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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The correlation between prolonged
work
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 hours and fostered economic prosperity is sophisticated, raising the question surrounding its negative impacts on societal
life
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.
While
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 financial benefits have been fostered by increased
work
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time
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, I believe that the social relationship cycle has been adversely influenced. The reasons for
this
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 are as follows.
To begin
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 with, usually, extended
time
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 is accompanied by climbed production.
In other words
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, following the world’s population growth, the demand for consumable and non-consumable goods increased. By increasing
work
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time
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 and raising salaries, developed countries
such
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 as the United States, Japan and China have contributed to meeting the world’s population needs by taking advantage of available technology and knowledge.
This
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 contribution to fulfilling global requirements and selling diverse goods and services has made them the leader in the global markets, absorbing financial profit exponentially.
According to
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 the World Economic Organization,
this
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 approach in Japan had a 35% contribution to its GNP in 2019, which was spent on constructing five highly equipped hospitals.
This
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 influx of funds to
such
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 nations,
therefore
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, fosters economic foundations
as well as
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 improves the quality of educational, recreational and healthcare facilities for residents.
Nonetheless
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, additional working costs reduced
time
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 for other activities. Typically, spending a minimum of nine to five at the workplace
coupled with
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 a standard of eight hours of sleep
time
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 leaves little
time
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 for other activities
such
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 as dining, exercising, showering and particularly socializing.
This
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 lack of
time
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 for socializing and confining with family and friends undermines relationships by distancing people from each other. A study from Harvard University found that the rate of divorce is 30% higher among American couples spending more than 50 hours a week at
work
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.
Consequently
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, the emerging cool relations exacerbate loneliness and make people prone to depression and other mental disorders. In conclusion,
although
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 long
work
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time
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 enhances welfare and brings a high-quality
life
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, it could be compromising for social
life
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. I believe not monetary values should be sacrificed for societal values and vice versa.
Thus
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, if people aim to have a fulfilled
life
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, taking a balance between
life
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 and
work
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 is advisable

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Task Achievement
You have presented a clear argument for both sides of the issue. However, try to develop your ideas further, ensuring that each point is fully explained and linked to the main argument. Consider adding transitional phrases to enhance the flow of ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Overall, the structure is logical, but ensure that each paragraph always connects back to the thesis statement as this strengthens your argument. Additionally, the concluding statement could be more directly connected to the main points discussed in the essay.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view of the topic by discussing both economic benefits and social consequences, which is commendable.
Coherence and Cohesion
You effectively use specific examples, such as the case of Japan's economy and the Harvard study, to support your arguments, which adds credibility to your claims.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Average working time
  • Economically successful
  • Negative social consequences
  • Employee burnout
  • Competitive edge
  • Global markets
  • Consumer spending
  • Productivity
  • Work-life balance
  • Mental health issues
  • Community ties
  • Societal well-being
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