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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while other people believe they don't. Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion

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These days, a lot of professionals have been playing key roles in motivating young children to have dreams. It is thought by some that athletes don't inspire young
people
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. In
this
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 essay, I am going to discuss both of these views and give my own opinion. From the perspective of
people
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 who support the former
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
one
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, professional athletes can motivate young generations
due to
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 their stories.
For example
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, a South Korean football player, Heung Min Son, who played for Tottenham Hotspur, was trained by his father. His father trained only basic skills until he had good control of the ball. After that, his talent bloomed and thanks to his solid basics, he could play in the EPL league.
This
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 story inspired many youth players all over the world and some of them are playing with him.
In contrast
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,
people
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 who think that pro players cannot inspire kids are like
this
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. The stories overemphasize physical success. There are many ways to achieve their dreams
such
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 as going to university or experiencing
one
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's areas of interest.
Moreover
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, they can make our children have unrealistic expectations for their future. The athletes who are playing worldwide can't be an example because they are literally
one
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 in a million since they went through all the harsh training and competitions. With all these arguments, I take the view that they can inspire youths very efficiently. Being a role model is not restricted to a job. There are no certainties to becoming an athlete because your child likes a soccer player. We often get inspiration
such
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 as a solid mindset from our nearest
people
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 like parents. They are
also
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one
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 of them.

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coherence and cohesion
Incorporate a more defined structure by clearly separating each viewpoint in distinct paragraphs and ensuring each paragraph starts with a topic sentence.
task achievement
Provide more comprehensive explanations about why some people believe athletes are not good role models, perhaps including more specific examples or elaborating on the potential negative influences.
task achievement
Consider expanding your conclusion to reiterate your opinion more strongly, summarizing the key points you've discussed.
examples
The use of a specific example (Heung Min Son) effectively illustrates the motivational aspect of athletes and adds credibility to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Role model
  • Professional athlete
  • Positive influence
  • Work ethic
  • Charitable activities
  • Endorsement
  • Overcoming adversity
  • Misconduct
  • Overemphasis
  • Physical success
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • High-pressure
  • Media spotlight
  • Perceptions
  • Behavior
  • Inspiring
  • Diverse role models
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