IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cultures, some children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.

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In recent years,
children
Use synonyms
 are encouraged to join more activities, learning sports or
music
Replace the word
musical
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 instruments, since their parents want them to have different
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
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.
While
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 some parents claim that they always tell their kids to achieve anything, including hobbies or
dream
Fix the agreement mistake
dreams
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 if they are hard-working to attempt. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I shall draw upon a number of studies
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 development that reveal the positive and negative aspects of
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon.
To begin
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 with, there are
clearly
Change the adverb
clear
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 reasons why
children
Use synonyms
 try hard enough to achieve anything.
This
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 is because they can do something
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their efforts and concentration when they focus on it.
For example
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,
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the academic perspective, facing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
challenges,
cannot
Verb problem
not
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complete
Wrong verb form
completing
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 the questions or failing the test, on any subject, they give up and put it away.
Finally
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, they cannot satisfy the
requirement
Fix the agreement mistake
requirements
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 of entering university.
By contrast
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, they concentrate on the problem or activities, which
improve
Correct subject-verb agreement
improves
show examples
 their attention.
Therefore
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,
children
Use synonyms
are increased
Change the verb form
have increased
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the
Change the word
their
show examples
 concentrative ability after focusing on the harder questions.
children
Use synonyms
 can improve their concentration by focusing on more challenging tasks.
However
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, some experts, in the global, believe that
children
Use synonyms
 need positive and supportive surroundings for their growth, creating
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
metal
Correct your spelling
mental
show examples
 health and social health. They do not suggest that kids shoulder more extra stress, the main factor is caused by the competitive environment
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 parents and teachers.
For instance
Linking Words
, a child who is tone-deaf was enrolled in a music program, but the parent did not consider the process during the lessons. Since he stood before
classmates
Correct pronoun usage
his classmates
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 and sang worse, his classmates laughed and used unkind language towards him, which
affects
Wrong verb form
affected
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 his mental health.
Therefore
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,
children
Use synonyms
 may feel uncomfortable when they are forced to try. In conclusion, there are advantages and disadvantages to
attempt
Change the verb form
attempting
show examples
 the difficult things fulfilling anything. If the adults can understand
Use synonyms
children’
Change noun form
children’s
show examples
 situation,
children
Use synonyms
 grow up in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 comfortable and happy environment.
Although
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this
Linking Words
 approach
is
Wrong verb form
was
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 discovered
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a long time
in
Rephrase
ago in
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 some
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
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, people should change their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
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 build a
Linking Words
further healthy
Correct word choice
healthier
show examples
 society.

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task achievement
Make sure your arguments are well-supported with relevant examples and details to enhance your points.
coherence and cohesion
Work on using clearer transitions between your ideas to improve the flow of your writing.
coherence and cohesion
Proofread your work for small grammatical errors, such as plural agreements, to enhance clarity.
task achievement
You introduced a relevant topic and demonstrated an understanding of the various perspectives associated with it.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps the reader follow your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Perseverance
  • Resilience
  • Self-esteem
  • Confidence
  • Goal-setting
  • Work ethic
  • Ambitious
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Frustration
  • Inadequate
  • Overemphasis
  • Stress
  • Pressure
  • Mental health
  • Resource availability
What to do next:
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