IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays? Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

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Music
 is one of the best kinds of entertainment. Recently, various types of
music
 have emerged. It is often believed that
music
 has had a greater impact on the public since its birth. There are several types of
music
 in the world, some countries have their own
music
,
while
 others are adapted from different places. In
this
 essay, I would like to talk about the variations of
music
, what is their use, and why traditional
music
 is more important than
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
music
.
Firstly
,
Music
 plays an important role in everyone's lives.
People
 can choose from a wide range of
music
that is
 available in the present society like pop, classical, and western. Each piece of
music
 has its own rhythm
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and different types of instruments.
Furthermore
,
music
 enhances your inner beauty and brings you joy.
Music
 is very essential for some reasons,
due to
music
 one can feel relaxed in some tense situations, and
music
 may help to ease
people
's minds.
For example
,
last
 month I read a survey, In which few
people
 were selected, some of them listen to
music
 and some do not, upon surveillance, the
people
 who listen to
music
while
 working are very active when compared to others.
Secondly
, there is a continuous debate about which type of
music
 is important either traditional or Western. In my opinion, Traditional
music
 has a greater impact on the community, crowds need to listen to their own
music
 in order to understand the history of their traditions. Even though, if you are not interested in the rhythm of traditional
music
, it is still advised to listen to it.
However
,
people
 can choose to listen to international
music
 for their fun, but one should never neglect their own traditions.
To conclude
, everyone should need something that might get them out of
this
 busy world,
music
 might just help them in
this
 region.
People
 should find the importance of their traditions and cultures
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and should promote their traditional
music
.
Submitted by varmaib1 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on providing a clear and consistent structure throughout the essay, with smooth transitions between paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure your introduction effectively introduces the topic and your viewpoint, whilst your conclusion should succinctly summarize the essay and restate your opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Focus on developing your main points with more detailed examples and evidence to support your arguments, enhancing the depth and persuasiveness of your essay.
Task Achievement
Clearly address the essay prompt, ensuring you fully respond to all parts of the task. Consider the implications, comparisons, and contrasts between local and international music more deeply.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples and relevant evidence to support your points, which will help demonstrate a wider range of knowledge and a deeper understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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