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Writing Samples
Band 5

Young people are leaving their homes in rural areas to work or study in cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this development outweigh the drawbacks?

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The comparison of standards of the
cities
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 and small
town
Fix the agreement mistake
towns
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 or
villages
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 has been always a debate. Recently, teenagers
choose
Wrong verb form
have chosen
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 to live in the
cities
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 rather than their home
villages
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 because of school or
job
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 opportunities.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss multiple reasons behind
this
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 trend and explain why the advantages of being in a city do indeed outweigh its drawbacks. There are several reasons to desire
living
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to live
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 in urban areas.
Firstly
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, it gives
people
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 an opportunity to study in better schools which cannot be found in rural areas. Since in the modern
world
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world,
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 education means very much for
people
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’s future, it is crucial to have higher education degrees for those individuals to find well-paid jobs.
In addition
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 to that, city life provides
people
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 with completely different experiences than their home
villages
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. Thanks to the schools, work or social gathering places, they get to meet a greater
number
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 of
people
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 from all around the country compared to their rural towns which is crucial for one’s personal development.
Lastly
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, in the
cities
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, not only
they
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do they
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 get
bigger
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a bigger
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number
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 of
job
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 options, but
also
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 they can earn
larger
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a larger
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 amount of money. It
is very well know
Change the verb form
is very well known
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 that
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job
Correct article usage
the job
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 market is significantly limited in the
villages
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also
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 the current jobs barely pay enough. It is clearly seen that
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
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 of leaving
villages
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 outweigh its few
number
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 of deficits. It is worth
to mention
Change the verb form
mentioning
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 that
people
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 face some issues,
such
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 as being away from their extended family,
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 competitive and challenging
job
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 market, and substantially more expensive living
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 when they move to the
cities
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. Advantages like learning and exploring new experiences, getting a better education leading to a
better paid
Add a hyphen
better-paid
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job
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 and having an interesting career,
however
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,
surpass
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surpasses
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 the
number
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 of the drawbacks of
this
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 development.
To conclude
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, there are various reasons for
young
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the young
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 generation to leave their homes to live in the
cities
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 and
this
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 movement’s benefits easily outweigh its disadvantages.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to support your points, especially in the main body paragraphs. For instance, mentioning specific job sectors that are more prevalent in cities could strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your arguments are clearly linked to your thesis statement throughout the essay to maintain a strong logical flow. You can do this by revisiting your main idea in the concluding remarks.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in understanding your argument.
task achievement
You have successfully highlighted several advantages of living in cities compared to rural areas, which addresses the task effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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