IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

some people say that music is a good way of bringin people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Some
people
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 believe that
music
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 can unite individuals of different ages and cultures,
while
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 others disagree. I strongly believe that
music
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 is indeed capable of fostering connections between
people
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. There are several reasons for
music
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's potent influence, and the only reason it might not be effective, in my opinion, is if individuals fundamentally dislike
music
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. From a listener's perspective, musical genres often reflect a person's individual taste, not only in
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music
Add an article
the music
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 itself but
also
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 in a range of other aesthetic preferences
such
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 as fashion, interior design, and even vehicles.
For example
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, in a jazz club, one is more likely to encounter
people
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 dressed in elegant dresses or tailored shirts and trousers. In
such
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 an environment, recognising shared tastes can evoke a sense of familiarity, which, in turn, encourages
people
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 to initiate conversations regardless of their age or background.
Furthermore
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,
music
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 frequently serves as an icebreaker when getting to know colleagues at work or friends at school.
Therefore
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, based on my observations,
music
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 is a powerful tool for bringing
people
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 closer together. From an instrumentalist's perspective, playing
music
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 in a group or band is
also
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 a way to build and experience connection. I have witnessed bands composed of individuals from diverse backgrounds, some of whom were
initially
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 strangers. The collaborative nature of
such
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 activities allows players to develop a shared understanding and trust. Each member has a part to play, and the combined effort creates harmony, linking them to a shared feeling of accomplishment and joy. In conclusion, I believe
music
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 has always played a significant role in our society. Even as background ambience, it can contribute to a sense of togetherness at parties and other events.

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task achievement
Your introduction gives a clear stance on the topic and provides an outline of the reasons you will discuss. To improve, consider incorporating a brief mention of the opposing view in the introduction to create a more balanced perspective.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is logically structured with clear paragraphs for each main point. To enhance coherence, you could use more varied linking phrases to connect your ideas between paragraphs and within paragraphs.
task achievement
While you provide relevant examples, consider adding one or two more specific examples to strengthen your arguments further. This would enhance your task response and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The essay has a clear opinion and effectively communicates the belief that music unites people, which is a strong point in terms of task achievement.
coherence and cohesion
You effectively provide two different perspectives (listener and instrumentalist) on how music fosters connections, which adds depth to your argument and is commendable in terms of coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • emotional connection
  • universal language
  • cross-cultural communication
  • cultural exchange
  • generation gap
  • shared experience
  • music trends
  • common ground
  • concerts
  • music festivals
  • community music programs
  • educational tool
  • cultural awareness
  • social cohesion
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