IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, many people communicate using social media and the internet on the daily basis. However, this had led to an increase to an online attacks and cyber bulling. What are some the reason why people take part in cyber bullying? What are the effects on the children and teenagers who are victims of cyber bullying?

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In
this
Linking Words
 day and age, Social
Media
Use synonyms
develop
Wrong verb form
has developed
show examples
 and
being
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 public consumption for all ages. Recently,
people
Use synonyms
connect
Wrong verb form
have connected
show examples
 with
others
Use synonyms
 via social
media
Use synonyms
 or chatting
platform
Fix the agreement mistake
platforms
show examples
 that use
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
regularly. Unfortunately, the maximization of
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 and social
media
Use synonyms
gain
Wrong verb form
has increased
show examples
 the number of
Use synonyms
cyber bullying
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will highlight the
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
bully
others
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
Use synonyms
 and the consequences
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
victims
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
cyber bullying
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
show examples
. Start with the meaning of Cyberbullying,
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 is the use of electronic communication to
harras
Correct your spelling
harass
show examples
 or humiliate
others
Use synonyms
. There are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 tend to bully each
Use synonyms
others
Change to a singular noun
other
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
Use synonyms
 rather than face-to-face.
First,
Linking Words
Use synonyms
cyber bullying
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
show examples
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
people
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have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not to
used
Change the form of the verb
use
show examples
 their real
name
Fix the agreement mistake
names
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 or anonymously. The subject can avoid and won't get caught.
Second,
Linking Words
there is research that
provent
Correct your spelling
proves
 that 81%
Change preposition
of tennagers
show examples
tennagers
Correct your spelling
teenagers
 tend to
Use synonyms
cyber bullying
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
show examples
 because they think it is funny. The
perpetor
Correct your spelling
perpetrator
operator
 does not
facing
Change the verb form
face
show examples
 the reactions of the
victims
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.
Third,
Linking Words
some
Use synonyms
cyber bulliers
Correct your spelling
cyberbullies
show examples
 think their action to bully someone is normal and acceptable, especially
while
Linking Words
 they think they have power in their society. Those problems
often
Add a missing verb
are often
show examples
 discovered in children or teenagers cases. Unfortunately, the
victims
Use synonyms
 will get the effect of
Use synonyms
cyber bullying
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
show examples
.
First,
Linking Words
psycological
Correct your spelling
psychological
effects
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can make the
victims
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get
Verb problem
have
show examples
 low self-esteem and isolation. They will
loss
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 their confidence and forget about their talent.
Second,
Linking Words
physical
effects
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can make the
victims
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 get
headache
Fix the agreement mistake
headaches
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,
stomatch
Correct your spelling
stomach
 aches and insomnia problems.
Third,
Linking Words
mental
effects
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 that make them feel anxiety, loss
concentration
Change preposition
of concentration
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 and
self harm
Add a hyphen
self-harm
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. They feel lonely and useless in
this
Linking Words
 world. Fourth, emotional
effects
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 that make them feel depression, shame,
guilty
Replace the word
guilt
show examples
 and embarrassment. Taking everything into consideration, many children and teenagers
facing
Wrong verb form
face
show examples
 problems
such
Linking Words
 as
Use synonyms
cyber bullying
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
show examples
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 via social
media
Use synonyms
 or chatting
platform
Fix the agreement mistake
platforms
show examples
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they get some
effects
Use synonyms
 because of that and
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think parents and teachers have to be
concern
Wrong verb form
concerned
show examples
 about that. I would advise that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 or
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
have to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
establish
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 Cyberbullying Law to minimize the cases.

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clarity
The introduction provides a clear overview of the essay but could be improved by making it more concise and directly stating what will be discussed.
cohesion
Some points are repeated, and the transition between ideas could be smoother to enhance the flow of the essay.
accuracy
Ensure that all spelling and grammatical errors are corrected to improve overall clarity and comprehension, e.g. 'harras' should be 'harass', 'perpetor' should be 'perpetrator', 'psycological' should be 'psychological', etc.
support
Expand on some points with more specific examples or explanations to enhance the argument, particularly in the analysis of effects on the victims.
content
The essay identifies important aspects of cyber bullying, outlining causes and effects clearly, which shows an understanding of the topic.
structure
The structure of the essay is generally good, with a clear introduction and conclusion present, making it easy to follow the main ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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