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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In
this
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 technological era, most kids spend long hours on their smartphones.
Due to
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 the excessive
use
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 of smart gadgets, not only kids but
also
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 youngsters
use
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 smart devices for both studying and entertainment. I personally think that spending long hours in front of a smartphone has more negative consequences than positive ones. There are several reasons why teenagers spend a significant amount of time on their mobile phones.
Firstly
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, they can make both international and domestic friends through the internet and social media apps like Instagram and Facebook. These platforms allow them to interact with people from different cultures, broadening their social circles.
Secondly
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, many educational institutions and tutors conduct online lectures, making mobile phones an essential tool for learning.
For example
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, approximately 40% of Indian schools and colleges offer their classes through Zoom meetings, enabling students to access education remotely. Despite
of
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apply
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some benefits,
such
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 as improved access to information and digital literacy, excessive smartphone
use
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 can lead to serious negative consequences.
Firstly
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, it may negatively impact children’s physical health by causing eye strain, sleep disturbances, and a sedentary lifestyle, which increases the risk of obesity.
Secondly
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, prolonged exposure to social media can lead to issues
such
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 as cyberbullying, decreased social interaction, and even mental health problems like anxiety and depression.
Furthermore
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, excessive smartphone
use
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 can reduce children’s attention spans, making it harder for them to focus on studies and real-world interactions. In conclusion,
while
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 smartphones offer several benefits,
such
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 as educational resources and communication tools, their overuse among children is a concerning issue. To mitigate these negative effects, parents should regulate screen time and encourage outdoor activities and face-to-face interactions.
Therefore
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, I believe
this
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 trend is largely a negative development that requires careful management.

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coherence and cohesion
You provide a clear introduction and conclusion, presenting your opinion effectively. However, consider summarizing your main points in the conclusion for a stronger closing.
task achievement
Your points are justified with relevant examples that enhance your argument. Try to elaborate a little more on the benefits of smartphone use to balance your discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Use more transition words to improve the flow between ideas, which can enhance readability and strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-organized and logically structured, with distinct paragraphs addressing specific points.
task achievement
The inclusion of statistical data on education through mobile phones provides strong support for your argument, which is commendable.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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