IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some students decide early in life to pursue vocational careers that involve cooking or baking. For them, it is better to study their chosen occupations in high school rather than regular subjects. To what extent do you agree of disagree?

#students #life #careers #study #occupations #school #subjects
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Some people argue that
students
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 should study
subjects
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 related to their careers
instead
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 of regular
subjects
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.
While
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 there may be some negative views, I clearly agree with the argument. It is true that not all the effects of letting
students
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 take classes related to their jobs are positive. One reason to support
this
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 statement might be the lack of background
knowledge
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. If an individual's career is not related to studying, the lessons they listen to would limit other fields of
knowledge
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 aside from the ones they attend. Another reason is the loss of opportunity to broaden the individual's view.
For instance
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, the more they study regular
subjects
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, the more chances there are to communicate with people who are in various fields, resulting in not only a wider but
also
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 a deeper understanding of diverse areas of the world.
Thus
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, it might be compelling to see the statement as
unfavorable
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unfavourable
show examples
. 
While
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 there are reasons to oppose the idea that studying only the subject they require for their career is advantageous, I still believe that there are numerous merits that make me agree with the argument. In the first place, it would be an opportunity to develop their major.
In other words
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,
students
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 who ought to deepen their
knowledge
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 of what they pursue would have tremendous benefits. In the second place, it would no doubt save time. As an example,
students
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 who choose to be bakers would think that taking lectures that are not related to baking or cooking would be a waste of time.
Although
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 there is a risk of low-level
knowledge
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 in other areas
besides
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 their major, it seems necessary to respect their choice. In conclusion, it has been discussed whether permitting
students
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 to listen to
subjects
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 they need is reliable or not. As there are opposers who point out the low background
knowledge
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 and lack of opportunity to extend one's horizons, I am of the opinion that the proponents' opinion seems more prevailing, which contends the effectiveness and time-saving.
Submitted by 100hyunjun on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance your score in coherence and cohesion, ensure that your paragraphs are well-organized and each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Using a wider range of linking words can also help you create a smoother flow between sentences and ideas.
Task Achievement
Regarding task achievement, strive to develop your ideas fully by providing more precise and varied examples. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and strengthen your argument. Additionally, ensure your conclusion effectively summarizes your key points and reflects back to the question to provide a strong closing statement.
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