IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

While Some people argue that public grants should be spent on constructing new fast-line railways for trains between cities, others believe funding for the improvement of existing public transport. I believe the former view would benefit the citizens to a larger extent.

On the one side,
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 population assume keeping the older transportation system provides simple services. Familiar vehicles and devices
brings
Change the verb form
bring
show examples
 them a sentimental feeling,
Linking Words
additionally
Add a comma
additionally,
show examples
 they do not want to struggle with learning new things.
For instance
Linking Words
, a study in Niece suggests that as France is older-populated, 90 %
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 are willing to maintain and fix current bus services
hence
Linking Words
keep
Wrong verb form
keeping
show examples
 funds to enhance hospitals. On the flip side, others including me believe technological vehicles have almost a set age to work so newer
lines
Use synonyms
 must be launched .
Moreover
Linking Words
, with the rise of technology, some options for buying tickets online, checking the departure and arrival time, convenience and security with the cameras around the stations make the fast-train
lines
Use synonyms
 a more user-friendly and popular choice. A survey conducted online showed that 90% of the population in Europe agreed on funding newer railway
lines
Use synonyms
 and everyone was eager and inclined to pay higher prices for tickets
in addition
Linking Words
 to higher tax revenues in order to launch the mentioned
lines
Use synonyms
 earlier. In conclusion, the support of the elderly population to spend a large amount of money on current public transportation is understandable because of their over-reliance on sentimental values .
However
Linking Words
, the majority
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society including me believe that new fast-line railways must be funded to provide new and higher quality trains between cities because the cost of the maintenance and accident risks outweighs the benefits of running current ones.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider improving the clarity of your arguments. Make sure each point is distinct and clearly related to your thesis statement.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the logical flow between paragraphs to improve overall coherence. Transitional phrases can help connect ideas more smoothly.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to enhance your arguments. Ensure they relate directly to the main point you are discussing.
task achievement
You demonstrate a clear personal opinion, which is well-supported in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
You've used a variety of vocabulary and sentence structures, which adds to the readability of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public grants
  • fast-line railways
  • connectivity
  • travel time
  • economic growth
  • tourism
  • business travel
  • job creation
  • traffic congestion
  • pollution levels
  • urban air quality
  • investment
  • public transport
  • private car use
  • environmentally sustainable
  • modernity
  • future travel demands
What to do next:
Look at other essays: