IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of the society. other, However, believe that school is the people to learn this. Discuss both views and giver your opinion.

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Certain individuals believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 are the ones
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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responsible
to teach
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for teaching
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 children how to behave socially,
while
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 others deem that the education system is in charge of helping young people learn social morality, in
this
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essay
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essay,
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 we will be analyzing both of these claims. The main role model in a child's life is their mother or father, as they play a crucial role in a child's early development, instilling values,
morals
Correct word choice
and morals
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, and by setting
a
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apply
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examples
Correct the article-noun agreement
example
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 of good behaviour and respect for others, they can teach their kids empathy,
kindess
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kindness
, and social responsibility through direct interactions and experiences within the family unit, the way a child acts speaks for how their
parents
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 raised them most of the time, but
this
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 is not always the case,
for
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instance
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instance,
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 there was a classmate of mine who had the rudest behaviour,
therefore
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 not many like her,
although
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 when we met her mother she was the opposite of her daughter, why is that?
This
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 brings me to the second part of
this
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 debate, for 12 years in our lives we spend an average of 6 hours in school,
hence
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 it has a large impact on building our personality, most schools provide a structured
Correct your spelling
environment
enviorment
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environment
 where young kids can learn social skills through diverse interactions with their peers and teachers, resulting to building teamwork, cooperation, and negotiation skills mainly with group projects and activities, some schools provide programs designed to promote civic responsibility,
such
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 as community service which help students understand societal roles, the issue is with friends, as some may help construct you to be a better person
while
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 others will do the opposite, which is why in my perspective I think that
parents
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 should keep track of their
childs
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child's
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 friends and meet their
parents
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.
To conclude
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, both
parents
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 and educators are considered to be key elements in teaching young adults to be good members of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society, and they are both to be held accountable on
this
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 matter.

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Task Achievement
The introduction could be clearer by explicitly stating your opinion in a more definitive manner. Also, ensure that the phrase ‘the people to learn this’ is corrected for clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on ensuring better paragraph structure. Make sure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea and includes supporting details that flow logically.
Coherence and Cohesion
Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the key points discussed and restating your opinion more clearly.
Task Achievement
You present a balanced view of both sides of the argument, which is good for discussing opinions.
Task Achievement
Your use of personal anecdotes adds interest to the discussion and helps illustrate your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • instill values
  • social responsibility
  • empathy
  • kindness
  • structured environment
  • civic responsibility
  • collaboration
  • constructive members
  • perspectives
  • mediator
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