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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that after a child enters school their teachers will have more influence than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is a widely held view that
school
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children
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 are at an impressionable age and two strong influences on their
intelligence
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 and social
development
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 are
teachers
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 and
parents
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.
While
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 I accept that
teachers
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 may have more influence on the
intelligence
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 of their pupils, I would argue that
parents
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 probably exert a greater influence on the social
development
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 of their
children
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.
To begin
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 with, in terms of encouraging intellectual
development
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 and stimulating the
intelligence
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 of
school
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children
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, I believe that
teachers
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 play
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 major role.
While
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 not all
teachers
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 are capable of inspiring their students, they are trained to impart their knowledge of their subject areas in challenging and imaginative ways.
For example
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, some students owe their lifelong love of a subject to dedicated
teachers
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 who taught
this
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 discipline in secondary
school
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. Of course, at home,
parents
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 may
also
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 reinforce
this
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 passion by encouraging good study habits during the formative years of their
children
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.
Such
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 support is vital for academic achievement. From the perspective of social
development
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,
parents
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 are mainly responsible for guiding their
children
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.
Firstly
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, they spend far more time with their
children
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 than any individual teacher is able to do. They can
therefore
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 monitor the activities of
children
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 outside
school
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 hours, at weekends and during holidays.
Secondly
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,
parents
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 are able to provide role models in a whole range of situations. These might include showing respect towards elders, choice of friends, or proper behaviour in public when eating out in restaurants. In conclusion,
although
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teachers
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 probably have a greater effect in stimulating the
intelligence
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 of
school
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children
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, parental influences on the
development
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 of
children
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 are stronger in social situations

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coherence and cohesion
Enhance the logical flow by employing more cohesive devices, especially at the beginning of paragraphs, to guide the reader through the arguments more smoothly.
task achievement
While the main points are supported well, incorporating one or two more specific examples could strengthen the argument and provide clearer illustrations of your points.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear and well-defined argument, with distinct viewpoints on the influence of teachers and parents.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which supports the overall clarity of the writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence
  • shaping
  • academic skills
  • social behaviors
  • attitudes
  • exposure
  • perspectives
  • role models
  • integrity
  • responsibility
  • homogenous
  • values
  • beliefs
  • effective communication
  • partnership
  • negative reinforcement
  • bullying
  • guidance
  • experiences
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