IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that wild animals should not be kept in zoos. Athers believes that there are good reasons for having zoos. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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There are different views about keeping wild
animals
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 in
zoos
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 or not. I will examine both views in
this
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 essay before stating my opinion that maintaining a preserved natural environment will be better compared to a zoo as it is more compatible with
animals
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'
nature
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. On the one hand, some believe that keeping
animals
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 in
zoos
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 will provide an opportunity to construct a sustainable environment
that is
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 similar to their natural habitat, especially if there is a specific or extinct threatened animal that has been transformed into a zoo in a country that has particularly different weather compared to their
nature
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.
For instance
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, several
species
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 of polar bears are kept in hot and humid weather in countries
such
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 as Australia,
besides
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 the fact they are a threatened
species
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due to
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 melting icebergs of poles that should be kept precisely, it is crucial to maintain a
circumstance
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circumstances
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that is
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 similar to their habitat in terms of temperature and food resources.
On the other hand
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, living in artificial and limited circumstances will affect the animal's wild instincts. When
animals
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 are not required to hunt for food or fight with other
species
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 to save their lives, they will lose those skills over time. The increment of dependency between the animal and the human will not only weaken the animal itself but
also
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 increase the human role in saving those
species
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. If it is not provided by professionals, it might lead to mass extinction.
However
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, if
instead
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 of
zoos
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, we provide the environment that
animals
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 were able to live in as a preserved park that includes all of the
species
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such
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 as their natural habitat and they were able to hunt or fight to save those abilities, their
nature
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 would not be manipulated by humans and that might
also
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 enhance breeding as well. In conclusion, I believe that as
zoos
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 are artificial, human-made places, they will manipulate
animals
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'
nature
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 and decrease their self-defence abilities. It would be better to replace it with preserved natural parks since
animals
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 could live there similar to their natural lives.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction presents the topic clearly, but it could benefit from a more explicit preview of the main points you will discuss. Additionally, the wording 'maintaining a preserved natural environment will be better' could be simplified to enhance clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
In your body paragraphs, ensure that each point is clearly aligned with your thesis. While you have provided good arguments, they could be more effectively connected to strengthen your overall argument.
Task Achievement
While you touched on relevant examples, offering more specific examples could enhance your essay. For instance, mentioning specific wildlife conservation efforts or successful reintroduction programs could provide stronger support for your arguments.
Task Achievement
You have successfully presented both sides of the argument, demonstrating an understanding of the topic from multiple perspectives.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay's structure is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy for the reader to follow your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • infringes on
  • natural habitat
  • behavior
  • confined spaces
  • physical and psychological stress
  • life expectancy
  • distress
  • pacing
  • over-grooming
  • self-mutilation
  • artificial environment
  • critical role
  • education
  • conservation
  • research
  • breeding programs
  • endangered species
  • extinction
  • scientific research
  • animal health
  • sanctuary-like environments
  • simulate
  • educational
  • conservational advantages
  • animal welfare
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