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Writing Samples
Band 6

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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This
Linking Words
charts
Change the determiner
chart
show examples
 depicts information about
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 held in town in Australia for young people. The pie
chart
Use synonyms
 demonstrates
locations
Correct article usage
the locations
show examples
 involved and the bar
chart
Use synonyms
 shows
types
Correct article usage
the types
show examples
 of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
. Age is used for the distribution of the
later
Correct your spelling
latter
show examples
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clear from the pie
chart
Use synonyms
 that
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 are commonly held in private studios.
In addition
Linking Words
, individuals under 11
form
Use synonyms
 the highest number especially in ballet
classes
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown, 48% of
classes
Use synonyms
 are Jone in private studios,
while
Linking Words
 24%
in
Add a missing verb
are in
show examples
 school halls after School.
Linking Words
Whereas community
Correct word choice
Community
show examples
 halls
form
Use synonyms
 18%, and
lowest
Correct article usage
the lowest
show examples
ration
Correct your spelling
ratio
show examples
 goes to
college based
Add a hyphen
college-based
show examples
 studios, where it is
rarely
Change the word
rare
show examples
 to hold
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
. In terms of
bar
Correct article usage
the bar
show examples
chart
Use synonyms
, it illustrates three types of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
, ballet, tap and modern. children mostly attend ballet
were
Correct your spelling
where
show examples
 500 of them are under 11 and 300 are in
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
 range of 11-16. Tap
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 are preferred by about 400
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both
under
Correct determiner usage
those under
show examples
 11 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
olders
Correct your spelling
holders
older
. Modern
dance
Use synonyms
 class is attended commonly by teenagers, and children
form
Use synonyms
 only 300
in contrast
Linking Words
 to elders who
form
Use synonyms
 600.

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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words dance, classes, chart, form with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • attending
  • currently
  • location
  • variety
  • ballet
  • hip-hop
  • contemporary
  • jazz
  • venues
  • popularity
  • attendees
  • juxtaposing
  • correlating
  • proximity
  • cultural influences
  • trends
  • anomalies
  • monopoly
  • proportion
  • distribution
  • enrollment
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