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Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries, people who are unemployed receive a sum of money each week in the form of a benefit, while some support this, other people believe that this money should not be given. Discuss both points of view and give your own point of view

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In our competitive community, some people criticize unemployed individuals for getting paid by the government despite their circumstances,
while
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 others agree that a group of the community should receive some amount of money. I believe that the population should have the right to get benefits from authorities. On the one hand, it is argued that unemployees are allowed to be provided for by the country's budget, but there are groups of society who disagree with
this
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 statement. There are various situations why those inhabitants do not have work,
due to
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 their health condition, family misfortune and missing the chance to study at educational places.
Similarly
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, that crowd can be isolated from society and have the only solution to obtain money from the state budget.
For example
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,
according to
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 statistics from Kazakhstan, human beings who don't work for respectful reasons can get paid 120,000 tenges every month,
after
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this
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 funding, the
overall
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 rate of humans could begin a stable life.
On the other hand
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, the average number of citizens totally disagree with
this
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 law, opponents of unemployment benefits argue that these payments can create a disincentive to work, as receiving financial support without working might decrease the urgency with which individuals seek new unemployment opportunities.
Likewise
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, it can lead to higher taxes or a reduced economic budget for a certain country. I think that there should be only a special group with legally certified documents to receive that sum of money. In conclusion, some human beings can not accept rules
according
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to
Change preposition
apply
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those who are economically inactive obtain funds
whereas
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 others advocate for the opposite side that they have the right to get that support. Personally, I can say that there must be only a balance between groups and crucial reasons for it.

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Task Response
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports it with specific information. Avoid broad generalizations and focus on precise arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on linking your ideas more effectively; use transition words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments. This will enhance the overall flow of the essay.
Task Response
While your examples are relevant, try to provide more detailed explanations or additional examples to further illustrate your points and enhance your argumentation.
Task Achievement
You have presented both sides of the argument clearly, which is essential for achieving a balanced discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction sets up the topic well and your conclusion summarizes your points effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Unemployment benefits
  • Safety net
  • Financial insecurity
  • Poverty
  • Economic stability
  • Disincentive
  • Financial burden
  • Job training programs
  • Employability
  • Root causes of unemployment
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