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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Q. Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some people believe that
parents
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 are responsible for teaching
children
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 how to be good citizens,
while
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 others believe that
children
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 should learn it from
school
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. In my opinion, families and schools are both shaping
children
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's behaviour. I believe
parents
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 are
children
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's first educators. Before going to a formal education, toddlers,
for instance
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, tend to mimic their
parents
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such
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 as how they talk and how they behave in general. They are able to adopt values like gratitude and empathy through daily observations.
On the other hand
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, any reprehensible acts can
also
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 influence them.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 quickly become role models for kids, making mothers or fathers significant figures that shape people's identities. Formal education,
in addition
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 to
family
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the family
a family
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, plays a massive role in the development of
students'
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student's
show examples
personality
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personalities
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 through exposure to a more diverse environment. In
school
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, students can learn about respect and compromise.
For example
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, from discussions in class, one can learn about collaborating with others, and
also
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 about embracing differences in people's ideas. Students are
also
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 getting taught about fulfilling responsibilities which they might dislike, but actually bringing greater good for themselves. In conclusion,
parents
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 and
school
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 have a major influence on
children
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's traits. Home gives kids a foundation
of
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for
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 their beliefs,
while
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school
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 gives them a more real-life experience as a development chamber to be a responsible citizen.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the topic and presents your opinion. However, try to make your stance more explicit by stating your preference clearly.
task achievement
Consider enhancing the supporting points with more specific examples or illustrations to strengthen your arguments. For instance, cite a specific situation or study that showcases a child learning responsibility in school.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well-structured, with clear paragraphs. You might improve coherence by using linking phrases between ideas, especially in transitions between points.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure your conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points. You might reiterate your opinion more emphatically to leave a lasting impression.
logical structure
You have a clear stance and your essay is logically organized with distinct paragraphs addressing both views.
clear comprehensive ideas
You incorporate relevant ideas about parental and school influence on children's behavior, which is aligned with the prompt.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • role models
  • empathy
  • respect
  • responsibility
  • nurturing
  • supportive
  • social skills
  • collaboration
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse backgrounds
  • multicultural society
  • foundation of values
  • real-world application
  • conflicts
  • teamwork
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