IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

With the pressures on today's young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Education
Use synonyms
 is
very
Add an article
a very
show examples
 important factor
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
everyone
Use synonyms
's
life
Use synonyms
. In
these day
Change the determiner
this day
these days
show examples
everyone
Use synonyms
 wants to succeed in their
theoratical
Correct your spelling
theoretical
 part so that they can become
successful
Add an article
a successful
show examples
 person in their
life
Use synonyms
. Few teenagers
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 that
Use synonyms
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 sector
remove
Change the verb form
removes
show examples
 extra curriculum
subjects
Use synonyms
 from the schools like physical
education
Use synonyms
 and cookery. As per my perspective those
subjects
Use synonyms
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
are also
show examples
 important for the students. I will discuss both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
view points
Correct your spelling
viewpoints
show examples
 in the upcoming paragraphs. First and foremost, Nowadays, school organizations give
a lots
Correct the article-noun agreement
a lot
lots
show examples
 of academics to the young people. They
are always try
Change the verb form
are always trying
show examples
 to give their quality time to read and write academic materials.
Everyone
Use synonyms
 wants to
became
Change the verb
become
show examples
successful
Add an article
a successful
the successful
show examples
 person and give
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 to
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 upcoming generations.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
few
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 young generation wants to eliminate physical
education
Use synonyms
 and cookery
subjects
Use synonyms
 from their academic parts, which are really essential
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
 to
nourish
Wrong verb form
nourishing
show examples
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
 mental and physical health.
For instance
Linking Words
, not every folk is good in the academic part they are not able to understand things easily but they are good
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
 playing games or making good dishes. Which is really beneficial to show their inner talent through
studies
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they can adopt those fields to make better
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 in their
life
Use synonyms
. They can open their hotels and sports
acamdamy
Correct your spelling
academy
 with their help to choose tourism and hospitality
subjects
Use synonyms
 in their colleges. On the flip side of the coin,
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
draw backs
Correct your spelling
drawbacks
show examples
 for those two
subjects
Use synonyms
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
as we are not denying
doctor
Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
show examples
 and engineers very essential for the
countries
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 economic
growtha
Correct your spelling
growth
 and persons
life
Use synonyms
. They are getting
a lots
Correct the article-noun agreement
a lot
lots
show examples
 of theoretical parts in
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 Schools. They have to give proper attention to their
studies
Use synonyms
 without any distractions.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they
believes
Change the verb form
believe
show examples
 that if they
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
add other
physcal
Correct your spelling
physical
 or other kitchen activities
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
studies
Use synonyms
 they
are
Verb problem
will
show examples
 not able to handle
to
Correct your spelling
too
show examples
 much pressure
while
Linking Words
Use synonyms
studies
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
. To summ
up with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,
Use synonyms
everyone
Correct your spelling
every
show examples
 subject
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 own importance
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
student's
Change noun form
student
show examples
 we can understand in
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 fields without
theoratical
Correct your spelling
theoretical
 parts hard to achieve their goals but for Physical health and mental strength curriculum
subjects
Use synonyms
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
are also
show examples
 important to relax their minds.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Clarify your stance in the introduction. State clearly whether you agree or disagree with the removal of non-academic subjects.
coherence
Improve the use of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of your essay. For example, use 'however' or 'on the other hand' to indicate contrasting ideas more clearly.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments. Personal anecdotes or real-life examples would strengthen your points.
coherence
Pay attention to grammar and spelling to enhance the overall readability of your essay. For example, 'theoretical' is misspelled as 'theoratical', and 'academy' as 'acamdamy'.
task achievement
You have introduced a relevant and contemporary topic that is important for discussion.
coherence
Your essay includes attempts to discuss both sides of the argument, which adds depth to your response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: