IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

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In
this
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 modern world,
this
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 is a highly debatable topic whether a person should retire early or not. In my point of view, a person should retire at an early age as there are a lot of pros which I will explain in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, after an early retirement, an individual would be a free bird as he or she would be able to pursue their interests or hobbies.
For Instance
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, if a couple gets to retire in their 40s, they can travel the world together,
Additionally
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, youngsters would
be benefitted
Wrong verb form
benefit
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 as they would have more job opportunities in the market
hence
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of unemployment.
Such
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 as, many Canadians leave the company in their 50s,
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as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a result, youth can get great career options.
Furthermore
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, the people in the army, police, special forces and government workers should retire early, as they have already served the nation their whole lives, and after
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
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 age nation should serve them.
In addition
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, when people are given free will to retire, they work more enthusiastically and happily.
Also
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, their expertise can be beneficial to
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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 if they choose to set up their own business or
assisting
Wrong verb form
assist
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 the local businesses,
this
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 could help
government
Add an article
the government
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 in
tremendous
Change the article
a tremendous
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 way, resulting in
boost
Add an article
a boost
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of
Change preposition
to
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economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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 and profits in business.
To conclude
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, the retirement age should be revised by the government, and some people should be allowed to retire early considering their hard work and time.
Also
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, the
self retirement
Add a hyphen
self-retirement
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 programme should be announced so anyone can retire after hitting their 50s.

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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion on the topic, but it could benefit from developing your arguments further. Consider adding more depth to your points, especially regarding the justification for early retirement.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and logically transitions into the next. Using linking phrases can help improve flow and understanding.
Task Achievement
In your examples, strive for more specific details. For instance, when discussing the benefits of early retirement, consider adding more statistical data or case studies to support your claims.
Task Achievement
You effectively stated your opinion in a clear manner in the introduction, which makes your stance evident from the start.
Task Achievement
Your argument about how early retirement could open up job opportunities for younger generations was a strong point and relevant to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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