IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The availability of entertainment such as playing electronic games on portable devices will be harmful to individuals in the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is that many
people
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 start to play
games
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 on
gadgets
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. Now
people
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 are beginning to realize that it is dangerous for life and society. I would agree with
this
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 opinion and consider that
games
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 on
gadgets
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 are unnecessary.
Firstly
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, it is well known, that many individuals become dependent on
games
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due to
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games
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 give more emotions and interest. What I mean here is that
games
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 absorb their mind and humans forget their own duties.
For example
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,
games
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 make their laze an impact on developing countries. Employees can be distracted during work and
also
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 students play
games
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 during lesson due. One does not enhance their knowledge that can change their country. It leads to reduce the reputation country.
On the other hand
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, it can
also
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 argued that
games
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 on
gadgets
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also
Linking Words
 will influence their lifestyle. Take it to say, that they forget about physical activities that play a crucial role in health.
For instance
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,
people
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 waste their time playing
games
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 that they do not have an interest in the sport and it is solid for them. Physical exercises are needed for
people
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 to start to feel confident and
also
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 encourage them to achieve profit.
Therefore
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,
games
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 will reduce life expectancy.
Additionally
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, ones lose reality in the real world and
games
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 become the world for them. In conclusion, I would agree that electronic
games
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gadgets
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 are menacing for
people
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,
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apply
show examples
 because video
games
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 do not develop their knowledge and harm to health. They do not improve their abilities that can enhance their lifestyle

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly express your main argument in the introduction and relate it to the body paragraphs more explicitly.
coherence and cohesion
Use more cohesive devices to link your ideas smoothly, such as 'however,' 'furthermore,' and 'for example.'
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples or explanations to strengthen your points and clarify your ideas.
task achievement
The essay raises relevant concerns regarding electronic games and their impact on society.
task achievement
The argument presents both sides of the discussion, showing an understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • detrimental
  • adverse
  • excessive
  • physical and mental health issues
  • dependency
  • hinder
  • social skills development
  • academic performance
  • productivity
  • real-life experiences
  • social interactions
  • addiction
  • gambling
  • harmful behaviors
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