IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, paying for things using mobile phone (cellphone) apps is becoming increasingly common. Does this developement has more advantages or more disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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Paying with smartphones
instead
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 of
cash
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 has become viral in recent years. I believe
this
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 has more advantages than disadvantages.
Payment
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applications
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 have so many unique features and have wide integration with many currencies all around the world, so users can change their
money
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 instantly without the need to go to
exchange
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 banks.
Additionally
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, paying through online
payment
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applications
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 is safer for both the payee and the payer because they don't need to keep paper
money
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 with themselves, so the risk of robbery drops significantly. Paying
applications
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 let
people
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 have their
money
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 in their own currency and change it whenever they need to pay something instantly through the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
.
While
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 with
cash
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,
people
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 need to use
exchange
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 banks in their travels abroad and most of the time have so many problems with them.
For example
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, when
people
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 travel from Europe to Turkey, either they have to change their
money
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 in their own country as much as they need, or they need to
exchange
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 the
money
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 they need in Turkey
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a higher
exchange
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 rate. Another problem with these
exchange
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 banks is that they have fixed working hours, and if
people
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 need
money
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 outside these hours, they have to wait until the next day. Keeping
cash
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 can be dangerous and triggers thieves to attack
people
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 and places and rob their
money
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. With paying with smartphones and online
payment
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applications
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,
people
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 are at less risk of robbery and can have access to their
money
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 wherever they need through the internet without risking their lives or
money
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.
For instance
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,
according to
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 a report published by The New York Times Magazine, crime rates related to stealing from
people
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 have significantly dropped since 2021, and the reason is using cell phones as
people
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's primary
payment
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 method
instead
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 of paying with
cash
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. In conclusion, paying through mobile
applications
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 is highly beneficial and has several advantages,
such
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 as increasing
people
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's safety and preventing thieves from robbery,
while
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also
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 giving users many features and flexibility, like online
exchange
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 and instant wealth management.

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Task Achievement
Try to provide a clearer thesis statement in your introduction to explicitly state your argument about advantages over disadvantages.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that reflects the main point of that paragraph.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen your arguments and make them more relatable to the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider improving transitions between ideas for better flow and coherence throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
You effectively explained the advantages of mobile payment systems, particularly in terms of safety and convenience.
Task Achievement
The examples used, such as the case of exchanging money while traveling, were relevant and supported your argument well.
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