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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that the feeling of competition should be encouraged in children others say they should be taught to become cooperative. What is your opinion?

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It is an undeniable fact that children are the foundation of the nation. Most
of
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apply
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people believe that
youngones
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youngsters
 must be motivated
for
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by
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 the competition but, the rest of the individuals reckon that they should be
like
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apply
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cooperative.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives in upcoming paragraphs and eventually, will describe my own opinion. On the one hand, there are
plethora
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a plethora
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 of factors which can support the former statement. The First and foremost reason is that nowadays competition is arising in every field like education and business
due to
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 which mostly proponents want their children should be a competitor to secure their future.
For example
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, they want their child to get ready for
the
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career growth as they know the childhood period is that age in which how their parents want they can shape them
as well as
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this
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 age is sharp-minded and they can learn everything very easily.
As a result
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, it is true that competitions
get ready
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prepare
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 them for the future.
On the other hand
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, there are some other facts which support the latter statement. The First thing is that children are already facing lots of burdens in their academic subjects so if, they are
more
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forced by parents and teachers to become good competitors
then
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 it is very hard for
young
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a young
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 age to grow like
this
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.
Along with
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 it,
this
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 trend can increase
the
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mental stress and can stop their mental development. Owing to
which
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this
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, a number of
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individuals
individauls
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individuals
 want
that
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apply
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they
should
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be taught to become cooperative in which environment
they
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where they
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 can learn some valuable skills like teamwork, unity and the sense of humour which
are
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is
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 more important for surviving in a society.
To conclude
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, even though
competitions
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competition
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are
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is
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 inevitable for the child's growth
but
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apply
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being
a
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apply
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cooperative is
also
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 more important for their mental health development.

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task achievement
You could provide more specific examples to better illustrate your arguments. For instance, share a specific study or anecdote that supports either side of the argument.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use more linking words or phrases to help the reader follow your line of thought more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread for minor grammatical errors and clarity. For instance, 'of people' should be 'of people believe' and 'individauls' should be corrected to 'individuals'.
task achievement
The essay presents both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the complexity of the topic, which is a positive aspect.
coherence and cohesion
You have made a clear conclusion that ties back to the introduction, which helps in summarizing your opinion effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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