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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of unemployed graduates, aged 20-24, in one European country over a two-year period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and making comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of unemployed graduates, aged 20-24, in one European country over a two-year period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and making comparisons where relevant.
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The given bar chart illustrates the rates of 20 to
24 year-old
Add a hyphen
24-year-old
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 graduated students without employment in a country
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Europe from
January
Use synonyms
 2008 to
October
Use synonyms
 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly seen that the percentage of unemployed male graduates was higher than the proportion of
graduated
Change the form of the verb
graduate
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women
Use synonyms
 who were not working. The biggest difference
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
men
Use synonyms
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 were not employed compared to
women
Use synonyms
 was by the end of the two-year period.
However
Linking Words
, the percentages fluctuated over the two years. In
January
Use synonyms
 2008 there were 10% of
men
Use synonyms
 without a job, and 8% of
women
Use synonyms
. In April and July 2008, the rates were the same, being 8% and 6% for
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 respectively. The proportion of male graduates not having
an
Remove the article
apply
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employment jumped to 16% in
October
Use synonyms
 of the same year.
Female
Add an article
The female
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 rate
also
Linking Words
 increased to 11%. During the first semester of 2009, the
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 of
men
Use synonyms
 not working remained quite stable, 12% in both
January
Use synonyms
 and April 2009, decreasing to 11% in July.
After
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, it soared to 22% in
October
Use synonyms
 of the second year.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the proportion of graduated female students during 2009 had ups and downs, being 9%, 6% and 10% in
January
Use synonyms
, April and July respectively. It
also
Linking Words
 increased as the male rates in
October
Use synonyms
, but without being so significant. It ended up in 14%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words january, october, women, men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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