IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Statistics have shown most American
children
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 are obsessed with technology.
Therefore
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, they spend the majority of their spare
time
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 on mobile
phones
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.
Although
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 it can be because most of them are the only child and have no one to spend
time
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 with, I suppose
this
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 is a negative development. Generally,the reason why
this
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 incident often happens in society nowadays, and
also
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 my own perspective about whether
this
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 occasion is a good change or a disturbing one will be discussed in
this
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 essay. Recently, the proportion of nuclear families outweighs the traditional families among the public.
Hence
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, young individuals do not have anyone to play with. So, they tend to play video games and spend most of their free
time
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 on smart devices.
For example
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, the Psychology Faculty of New York University published the result of research in 2022, that indicates 72 per cent of American
children
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 under 18 who are addicted to their cell
phones
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 are the only child.
As a result
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, it is roughly their own choice to avoid loneliness when they do not have any company. The number of youths who are affected by serious diseases is increasing.
In addition
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, spending a lot of
time
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 on social media among
children
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 aligns with being affected by hard diseases like cancer. So, in my opinion, the side effects of
this
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 improvement outweigh the profits.
For instance
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,
according to
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 research published by the Sorbon University in 2023, 63 per cent of
children
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 in Europe, who spend at least 6 hours a day on their cell
phones
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 will be addicted to it after 10 years.
Moreover
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, 24 per cent of addicted folks, are in danger of getting chronic illnesses in the future.
To conclude
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, the more
time
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children
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 spend on technological devices, the more likely they will be affected by hard diseases. In conclusion, some young ones tend to spend many hours on mobile
phones
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 daily which is probably because the number of nuclear families is currently rising. By the way, I believe
this
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 incident had horrible effects on
children
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’s lives. In the end, I deeply hope the amount of
time
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 that
children
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 spend each day on their mobile
phones
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 be controlled by parents in the future.

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task achievement
Consider elaborating more on why the rise of nuclear families leads to increased smartphone usage. Including more examples or reasons can strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Work on transitioning between ideas more smoothly. This will enhance the flow of your essay and help readers follow your arguments better.
task achievement
Ensure that your examples are clearly relevant to the points you are making. Sometimes the connection between your example and the claim needs to be clearer.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt well and provides your own perspective on the issue, which is essential for a good task response.
task achievement
You included statistical evidence from credible sources, which strengthens your arguments and demonstrates knowledge of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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