IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The use of mobile phones in certain places is as antisocial as smoking. Do you think the use of mobile phones should be banned like smoking?

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In today's digital age, mobile
phones
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 have become an integral part of daily life. Some argue that using them in certain public spaces is as antisocial as smoking and should,
therefore
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, be banned.
While
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 excessive
phone
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use
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 can be disruptive in some environments, I disagree with the notion that it should be entirely prohibited, as its impact is not as harmful as smoking.
Firstly
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, unlike smoking, mobile
phone
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use
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 does not pose a direct
health
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 risk to others. Secondhand smoke has been scientifically proven to cause severe
health
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 problems
such
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 as lung cancer and respiratory diseases, which justifies strict bans in public spaces.
In contrast
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, mobile
phone
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 usage may be annoying or distracting, but it does not endanger people’s well-being.
Thus
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, equating
phone
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use
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 with smoking is an exaggeration.
However
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, it is true that mobile
phone
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use
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 can be disruptive in certain environments.
For instance
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, in cinemas,
theaters
Change the spelling
theatres
show examples
, or libraries, loud ringtones and conversations can disturb others.
Similarly
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, using
phones
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 in classrooms or meetings can reduce concentration and hinder productivity. In these contexts, restrictions,
such
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 as requiring
phones
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 to be on silent mode, are reasonable.
Nevertheless
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, these are situational inconveniences rather than a widespread public
health
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 concern.
Moreover
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, banning mobile
phones
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 outright would be impractical and unnecessary. These devices serve many essential functions,
such
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 as navigation, emergency communication, and accessing information.
Instead
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 of an outright ban, a balanced approach should be adopted, where
phone
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use
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 is discouraged in specific areas through etiquette guidelines rather than legal prohibitions. In conclusion,
while
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 mobile
phone
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use
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 can be inappropriate in certain settings, it is not comparable to smoking, which has severe
health
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 consequences. Rather than banning
phones
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 entirely, implementing reasonable restrictions in sensitive environments would be a more pragmatic solution

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to support the points on how mobile phone use can be disruptive. This will strengthen your arguments and make your ideas more compelling.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the fluidity between paragraphs by using more transitional phrases, thereby enhancing coherence and guiding the reader through your argument more effectively.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines your stance on the issue, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
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