IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say government should give health care the first priorities, some others believe there are more important priorities to spend the taxpayers' money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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The question of whether investigating the
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
 systems is the most important compared to funding in education, technology and
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 remains widely debated. In my view of point,
although
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
 should be the first priority, other industries
weigh
Verb problem
are more
show examples
 important. Life is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 treasure for everyone, so the government should take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility
to ensure
Change preposition
for ensuring
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
Use synonyms
 by increasing fiscal expenditure. In many European countries, universal
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
 systems grant people free access to high-quality medical treatment, guaranteeing that financial burden will not hinder access to
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
.
First,
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 social welfare systems ensure everyone has the equal
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
 to receive therapy no matter
they
Correct word choice
whether they
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 are wealthy or in poverty, which
also
Linking Words
avoid
Correct subject-verb agreement
avoids
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the wealthiest
monolopy
Correct your spelling
monopoly
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
limited medical resources by setting a high budget, which will exclude the poor.
Besides
Linking Words
, the data from
UN
Correct article usage
the UN
show examples
 showed that the life expectancy and mortality rate in these countries are severely below other countries in the world.
This
Linking Words
 means that in the long run, investigating
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
health
Use synonyms
cares
Correct subject-verb agreement
care
show examples
the
Add a missing verb
is the
show examples
 most sustainable path towards public
health
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
 is only the fundamental
requirements
Fix the agreement mistake
requirement
show examples
 of human beings,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments should promote the all-round development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
civil society. Education, technology, economy and arts are the cornerstones of human development. Education cultivates innovators who are motivated and may be capable of dealing
uncured
Change preposition
with uncured
show examples
 diseases in the future. Funding for technology
promopt
Correct your spelling
promotes
 the research in machines that detect meticulously and provide advanced therapy. Arts and music
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 the best medicine for mental disorders and
depressions
Fix the agreement mistake
depression
show examples
. All these improvements drive the
civial
Correct your spelling
civil
 society forward to increase the happiness of the citizens.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
 is pivotal, the government should plan how to investigate different areas
seperately
Correct your spelling
separately
,
instead
Linking Words
 of putting all in one.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that all paragraphs clearly relate to your thesis statement and each other for better logical flow. Link ideas between sentences and paragraphs to guide the reader smoothly through your argument.
task achievement
Consider expanding on some points in your arguments to provide more depth and give clearer examples to support your assertions.
language accuracy
Make sure to carefully proofread for minor grammatical errors and typos that can distract from your ideas, such as 'investigating in health cares' should be 'investing in health care'.
content
Your introduction presents the topic well and establishes the main argument clearly, setting a solid foundation for the essay.
content
The discussion on the importance of education, technology, and arts provides a well-rounded perspective that complements the health care argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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