IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the average monthly salary and the prices of black and white and colour TV in Japanese yen from 1953 to 1973.

The graph below shows the average monthly salary and the prices of black and white and colour TV in Japanese yen from 1953 to 1973.
The line graph illustrates the average salary received monthly and the cost of both coloured and black and white
TV
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
japanese
Change the capitalization
Japanese
show examples
yen
Use synonyms
 between 1953 and 1973.
Overall
Linking Words
, the average income significantly increased over the years,
while
Linking Words
 the prices of both
TV
Use synonyms
 types declined during the time period.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
Average
Correct article usage
the Average
show examples
 monthly salary in
Japanese
Use synonyms
yen
Use synonyms
 followed an upward trend over the 20-year period. In 1953,
average
Correct article usage
the average
show examples
 income by month was around 30
Japanese
Use synonyms
yen
Use synonyms
, followed by a gradual rise over the years to 100
Japanese
Use synonyms
yen
Use synonyms
 in 1968. After that, the average salary skyrocketed to approximately 180
Japanese
Use synonyms
yen
Use synonyms
 in 1973.
By contrast
Linking Words
, the prices of
TV
Use synonyms
 both started at high expenses
Linking Words
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
decline
Wrong verb form
declined
show examples
 during
time
Add an article
the time
a time
show examples
 period. Black and white
TV
Use synonyms
 was sold at 100
Japanese
Use synonyms
 in 1953, followed
a
Change preposition
by a
show examples
steady
delined
Correct your spelling
declined
show examples
 to around 40
Japanese
Use synonyms
yen
Use synonyms
 in 1968.
And from
Correct word choice
From
show examples
then
Linking Words
, the price remained relatively stable till 1973.
However
Linking Words
, coloured
TV
Use synonyms
comes
Wrong verb form
came
show examples
 to market around five after black and white
TV
Use synonyms
 (in 1958), and was sold at 180
Japanese
Use synonyms
yen
Use synonyms
. In 1963,
this
Linking Words
 price plummeted to just above 100
Japanese
Use synonyms
yen
Use synonyms
, which
continue
Wrong verb form
continued
show examples
 to
fell
Wrong verb form
fall
show examples
 gradually to about 80
Japanese
Use synonyms
yen
Use synonyms
 in 1973.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 67%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words tv, japanese, yen with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "gradual" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Average monthly salary
  • Black and white TV
  • Colour TV
  • Japanese Yen
  • Affordability
  • Upward/downward trend
  • Technological advancements
  • Consumer preferences
  • Price dynamics
  • Market changes
  • Increase/decrease
  • Ratio
  • Introduction
  • Compare/contrast
What to do next:
Look at other essays: