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Writing Samples
Band 7

With the development of technology, children are now living in a world that is different to what it was 50 years ago. What problems does this situation cause for society and family ?

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In recent times, many
children
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 spend a lot of time in front of smartphones
instead
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 of focusing on their school work
due to
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 advancements in technology.
As a result
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, some people think that
this
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 will make people lazy, lead to various health issues and prevent toddlers from socializing with others. On the one hand, there are several benefits of technology,
such
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 as easily connecting with each other with just one click on a mobile phone.
However
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, the disadvantages are far more dangerous than the benefits.
Firstly
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, if
children
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 spend long hours in front of digital gadgets
instead
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 of interacting with their friends or relatives, they may become lazy and struggle to focus on their academics.
Secondly
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, spending too much time on screen can lead to reduced interaction with family members, which may result in feelings of anxiety, or even depression.
Moreover
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, the
use
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 of electrical devices can cause various health problems
such
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 as obesity.
For example
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,
according to
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 one survey, around 40% of
children
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 suffer from obesity
due to
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 excessive smartphone
use
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instead
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 of going to outdoor activities with their peers.
On the other hand
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, there will
also
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 be negative effects on society if we do not teach our kids the proper
use
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 of technology. In fact, some drawbacks have already been observed,
such
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 as
children
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 becoming less socialized, which is not beneficial for both family and society. If individuals spend their time on digital devices rather than meet with their neighbours or community, they may feel less happy and not something do better for their nation.
Moreover
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, when the younger generation becomes parents, they will struggle to raise their offspring properly or teach them valuable lessons for a better life.
For instance
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, around 45% of new parents are unable to raise their child, which our parents used to do. In conclusion.
although
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 there are some benefits that can not be ignored, the drawbacks of excessive
use
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 of smartphones or electronic items are far more dangerous for both families and societies.

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task achievement
The essay addresses the task quite well, discussing both societal and familial impacts of technology on children. However, slightly more detail in some areas could enhance understanding.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows logically to improve the coherence and cohesion. Some transitions between ideas could be smoother.
task achievement
An example for every claim, especially the negative impacts, can strengthen the arguments presented within the paragraphs.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples and covers both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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