IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to counsume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Globally,
food
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 industries produce numerous varieties of
products
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 including
food
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items
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 and drinks. Though they are not always healthy
for example
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, sugary
products
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which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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cause obesity, diabetes, and tooth decay in the long term. In my opinion, rather than increasing the cost of containing high levels of sugar in
food
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items
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 or soft drinks, the government should consider a holistic approach.
This
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 essay will discuss why implementing higher prices of sugary
products
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 can not be beneficial to encourage the community to consume less sugar
food
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items
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.
To begin
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 with, undoubtedly the consumption of packaged
food
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 and drink
items
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 is escalating
due to
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 their availability and affordability mostly in the younger generation. To restrict the consumption of sugary
products
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, the government should regulate the advertisements which are purposefully made and target particular audience types
such
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 as children to have their unhealthy sugary
food
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items
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 which cause tooth decay, diabetes, and obesity at a young age.
For instance
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, many countries have banned the consumption of Pepsi as it contains preservatives and higher amounts of sugar which causes
health
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 problems. Increasing price can not be the ideal solution as people who are fascinated and habituated to it, might not change their mind
while
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 purchasing it.
Furthermore
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, if the
health
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 department increases the product prices, they should consider socio-economic implications as low-wage workers can not afford to buy healthy
products
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 so, eventually, they start consuming unhealthy
food
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items
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,
ultimately
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which ultimately
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 contributes to
health
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-related problems. Another measurable approach could be spreading awareness by educating people to adopt healthy dietary choices.
For example
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, the schools can arrange
health
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 seminars or projects to educate children about active lifestyle habits and mindful of having
food
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 choices.
To conclude
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, rather than increasing the prices of sugary
products
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, let the community educate about making healthy
food
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 choices by organizing frequent
health
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 seminars or advertisements.
Also
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, revising and regulating the
food
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 and drink
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products
Change noun form
products'
product's
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 advertising guidelines might be impactful.
Thus
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, people may be encouraged to consume less sugary and unhealthy
items
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.

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task achievement
Consider providing a clearer stance in your introduction. While you mention that the government should take a holistic approach, it’s essential to explicitly state your disagreement with the idea of increasing prices for sugary products.
task achievement
Make sure to elaborate on your examples further. For instance, while you mention countries banning the consumption of Pepsi, it would be beneficial to describe the outcome of such measures to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the link between your ideas. As you transition between points, ensure they flow logically by using clear linking phrases to connect paragraphs and maintain a cohesive argument throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion could summarize your main points more succinctly, reinforcing your argument. It’s a good opportunity to restate your position clearly and make it stand out.
task achievement
You have successfully identified multiple health implications of consuming sugary products, which demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay structure is generally clear, with distinct paragraphs for different ideas. This helps the reader follow your argument effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • escalating health crises
  • deterrent
  • revenue
  • funnel
  • healthcare system
  • socio-economic implications
  • disproportionately
  • unaffordability
  • holistic approach
  • nutritional education
  • regulate
  • vulnerable populations
  • consumer behavior
  • deter purchases
  • public awareness
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