IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is responsibility of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extend to you agree or disagree with these statements?

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Recently,
problems
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 regarding
pension
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pensions
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 have bothered many countries, sparking a debate about
responsibilities
Correct article usage
the responsibilities
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 of life planning. Some
people
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 say
people
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 should be responsible for their own life until its end and not rely on a government,
while
Linking Words
 others say not. I partly agree with the latter idea. Allocating many
budgets
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 to elderly
people
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 has tremendous benefits for
economy
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the economy
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. For a start, elderly
people
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 are important consumers, particularly in developed countries. As society matures, the proportion of old
people
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 has grown, and these
people
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 have significant impacts on food industries and so on. If these oldest have gotten poor by not being provided enough
pension
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pensions
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, sales of these industries will fall, negatively affecting the whole economy
in
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of
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 a country.
Furthermore
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,
society
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a society
the society
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which
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in which
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people
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 who
retired
Wrong verb form
retire
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 can rely on only their
saving
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savings
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 can
derive
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deprive
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 young
people
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 of the willingness
of purchasing
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to purchase
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.
For example
Linking Words
, when the
ministry
Capitalize word
Ministry
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 of
finance
Capitalize word
Finance
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 in Japan announced that
people
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 should have
save
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saved
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 20 million yen for their future a few years
age
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ago
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, resulting in stagflation. Of course,
pension
Correct article usage
the pension
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 system might have negative budgetary
problems
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.
Firstly
Linking Words
, when the number of elderly
people
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overwhelm
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overwhelms
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 the younger generation, young
people
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 are imposed
highly
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a high
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 burden to make up the
budgets
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 and sustain the system.
Moreover
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, there are other important areas governments should spend
on
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apply
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their money
such
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 as education. If the
budgets
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 for tuition increase, many children who cannot afford
high level
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high-level
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 education so far can go to universities and become scientists, engineers or entrepreneurs, contributing to developing industries.
However
Linking Words
, these monetary
problems
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 can be resolved by some
measure
Fix the agreement mistake
measures
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 like making other
budgets
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 from foreigners and so on. In conclusion, I support the idea that the governments should provide enough money to elder
people
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 who
retired
Wrong verb form
retire
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, even though some
problems
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 caused by
this
Linking Words
Use synonyms
budgets
Change the noun form
budget
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 system
exits
Correct your spelling
exist
show examples
.

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task achievement
Clarify the main argument in your introduction to make your stance clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that connects back to your thesis.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples to support your points, especially in the discussion of pension systems and their impacts.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt and presents both sides of the argument.
coherence and cohesion
Logical points about the economic impact of elderly consumers are made well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-reliance
  • financial planning
  • social safety nets
  • poverty and inequality
  • employer-based pension schemes
  • personal savings
  • government benefits
  • economic factors
  • inflation
  • financial markets
  • government intervention
  • ethical implications
  • disparities
  • quality of life
  • collective approach
  • retirement planning
  • retirement security
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