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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
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The line graph represents the number of visitors
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 two music sites in the period of 15
days
Use synonyms
. The vertical axis shows
quantity
Add an article
the quantity
show examples
 of hits to web portals,
while
Linking Words
 the horizontal one demonstrates the span of time. On the first
day
Use synonyms
,
Use synonyms
Pop
Correct article usage
the Pop
show examples
 parade had about 120.000
uses
Correct your spelling
users
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
Music
Correct article usage
the Music
show examples
choice
Capitalize word
Choice
show examples
 site had
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
way more less visitors,
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
only 40.000. On the second
day
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 site’s attendance plummeted even more, going to the index of 20.000 users.
However
Linking Words
, on the third
day
Use synonyms
,
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of entries considerably soared to the 60.000 mark. During
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
 3
days
Use synonyms
 of the period,
Pop
Use synonyms
 Parade had a constant trend, without going neither up nor down.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
number
Change the article
the number
show examples
 of clients decreased by half in
the
Change the article
a
show examples
 matter of 3
days
Use synonyms
. Both lines
then
Linking Words
 had consistent movement. On
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
day
Use synonyms
 9
Pop
Use synonyms
 Parade’s visits showed
dramatic
Correct article usage
a dramatic
show examples
 surge going up to about 150.000. On the eleventh
Use synonyms
day
Add a comma
day,
show examples
 Music Choice
also
Linking Words
 had
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 up 120.000. 3
days
Use synonyms
 later
this
Linking Words
 portal’s line got to its highest point of about 125.000 and on the
last
Linking Words
day
Use synonyms
,
Pop
Use synonyms
 Parade got its maximum
visitors
Correct quantifier usage
number of visitors
show examples
 which
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 170.000

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words days, day, pop with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Music sites
  • Web traffic
  • Number of visits
  • Trend analysis
  • Initial phase
  • Steady increase
  • Fluctuations
  • Significant change
  • Peaks
  • Turning point
  • Growth rate
  • Seasonal variation
  • Comparative analysis
  • Long-term trend
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