IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Advanced technology has brought many beneficial changes to the world. However, some old people today struggle with the use of technologies such as mobile phones and the Internet. How can the elderly benefit from using advanced technologies? How can the elderly be encouraged to use consumer electronics more often? Wtite in about 250 words.

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There is an ever-increasing use of technology
such
Linking Words
 as smartphones, and the net which introduced some crucial changes globally.
However
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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senior citizens find difficulties in using them. It is discussed that the old can make use of them to monitor their health and keep in touch with relationships whilst their awareness about technology is raised to encourage them to use smart electronic devices. It is vital to understand that senior citizens are able to follow their
strength
Fix the agreement mistake
strengths
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 easily through smart devices. There is no doubt that nowadays each person has to take care of themselves thoughtfully, especially the old.
However
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, with the increasing of overload patients and fees, a number of senior residents have utilized healthcare appliances to save time and money.
For example
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, Apple Watch, developed by Apple Inc., Apple Health is added on the watch for users to monitor their health in whatever they would like. Keeping contact with relationships must
also
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 be considered in
this
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 case.
In other words
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, in most societies globally,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly's
Change noun form
elderly
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 children have the attention of immigrating to the economic centres to make ends meet, which
is making
Wrong verb form
makes
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 the gathering more difficult.
Therefore
Linking Words
, senior residents should take advantage of smartphones to contact their families.
This
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, in turn, will take a toll on fostering the relationships. There are multiple ways to encourage the old to operate electronics.
one
Capitalize word
One
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 of these is raising their awareness about technology. It is evident that they are quite out of date about modern life so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
education or guidance is necessary. In conclusion, the benefits
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 monitoring fitness and keeping in touch with the relationship should be aware early to recommend solutions appropriately.

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task achievement
The introduction could be clearer. Consider explicitly stating how the elderly can benefit from technology before discussing their struggles.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure to maintain a consistent tone and provide smooth transitions between points to enhance flow.
coherence and cohesion
Conclude with a stronger summary of the key points discussed for better emphasis and clarity.
task achievement
You effectively highlighted two main benefits of technology for the elderly: health monitoring and communication with family.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples like the Apple Watch to support your points, showing an understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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