IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries students pay the collage and universities fees themselves, but in other it is paid by the government. Do the advantages of government money outweigh the disadvantages?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Young
Add an article
The young
show examples
 generation is the hope and strength of the nation who will one day run the country with their skills and intelligence . Some folks argue that tuition fees paid by the
government
Use synonyms
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 more positive scope than
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
those
show examples
 paid by the students.
However
Linking Words
 , I personally reckon that study should be free for
lower income
Add a hyphen
lower-income
show examples
 families not for
everyone
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society . In the following paragraphs, I will elaborate
both
Change preposition
on both
show examples
merits
Correct article usage
the merits
show examples
 and demerits of both aspects . To commence with , juveniles who belong to
middle class
Add a hyphen
middle-class
show examples
 families are unable to pay their fees for their curriculum but they have sharp
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 to do studies but
due to
Linking Words
 lack of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money they
deny
Wrong verb form
are denied
show examples
 their university schooling .
For example
Linking Words
 , research
has been
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 conducted in 2016 in Asian countries , where most of the brilliant doctors , engineers and lawyers are from lower level income
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 but they had done their education through the scholarship given by the
government
Use synonyms
 .
Secondly
Linking Words
, if universities and schools are funded by the regime
then
Linking Words
everyone
Use synonyms
 has equal opportunities to become successful in their lives and give
Correct article usage
a hands
show examples
hands
Fix the agreement mistake
hand
show examples
 in the growth of development of the country. To illustrate, Dr Abdul Klam,
late
Correct article usage
the late
show examples
 president of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
India
was belonged
Change to the active voice
belonged
has belonged
show examples
 from
poor
Add an article
a poor
show examples
 family but he had 10 degrees and he was a famous scientist
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all around the world
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
he said he
done
Add the auxiliary verb
did
has done
show examples
 his studies only
through
Change preposition
with
show examples
 money given by the
government
Use synonyms
. On the other side ,
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
 is divided
in
Change the preposition
into
show examples
 two groups either rich
people
Use synonyms
 or poor
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
. Some 
Sector
Correct article usage
The sector
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 able to afford their
kids
Change noun form
kid's
kids'
show examples
 education but
still
Add a comma
still,
show examples
 they use
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
government
Use synonyms
 funding which is unnecessary.
Such
Linking Words
 ,
people
Use synonyms
wastage
Correct your spelling
waste
show examples
 accessible ways which are for actually needed groups .
Moreover
Linking Words
 , if things are easily availed for
everyone
Use synonyms
then
Linking Words
 they cannot do hard work
for getting
Change preposition
to get
show examples
 what they want .
As a result
Linking Words
 ,
people
Use synonyms
becoming
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 more comfortable
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing things and
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not like hard work . For illustration,
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 is a reservation quota in India for lower cast
people
Use synonyms
for studying
Change preposition
to study
show examples
 or
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 jobs even if they are rich does not matter .
Due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 ,
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
educated students who are living in poverty
unable
Add a missing verb
are unable
show examples
 to take these benefits .
Therefore
Linking Words
, accelerates
prejudiced
Replace the word
prejudice
show examples
 among human beings.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that opportunities are good if
they
Add a verb
they are
they were
show examples
 accessible
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
 person. The
government
Use synonyms
 should pay for those who really
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 it not for
everyone
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction could be stronger if you clearly state your position in your thesis statement. Remember to define the key terms, like 'government funding,' to set the context more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Try using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to help guide the reader through your ideas. For instance, mentioning the main point of the first body paragraph explicitly can enhance logical flow.
task achievement
When providing examples, ensure that they are well-explained and directly linked to your argument. Some of your examples were good but needed more insight and direct connection to the main point you were making.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the topic's complexity. This balanced approach is commendable and demonstrates critical thinking.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as the case of Dr. Abdul Kalam, which illustrate your points effectively. This adds credibility to your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • socioeconomic status
  • social equality
  • social mobility
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • economy strengthening
  • financial freedom
  • entrepreneurial ventures
  • financial burden on taxpayers
  • budget cuts
  • academic performance
  • institutional accountability
  • inefficiency
  • decreased motivation
  • merit-based attraction
What to do next:
Look at other essays: