IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Advertising that targets children should be banned from our televisions. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Undoubtedly, it is commonplace that numerous commercial breaks are directed toward
children
Use synonyms
 in modern society.
While
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 some people think it is necessary to strictly
prohibite
Correct your spelling
prohibited
prohibit
advertisements
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 since they may impact
children
Use synonyms
 negatively. As for my perspective, I am in favour of
this
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 viewpoint, and the reasons will be thoroughly elaborated as follows. Once
children
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be
Wrong verb form
are
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 exposed to overwhelming
advertisements
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, they are more likely to fail to manage their pocket money effectively. To be more specific, most of the immature
children
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 lack critical thinking and budgeting skills, making them easily to be influenced by
advertisements
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 thereby buying merchandise
rescklessly
Correct your spelling
recklessly
. Take
myself
Change the pronoun
me
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 as an example. When I was in primary school, there was an advertisement
frequently
Correct pronoun usage
that frequently
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 appeared on TV promoting
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the new Disney toys which grabbed lots of attention among our classmates including me.
Therefore
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, I
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
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 all of my pocket money
from
Change preposition
on
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 the gadget without hesitation
and
Correct word choice
apply
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regardless
how
Change preposition
of how
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 expensive it was.
As a result
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, I faced money deficiency and
therefore
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cannot
Wrong verb form
could not
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 afford textbooks in my next session. The other underlying problem with
this
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 phenomenon
,
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apply
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 is the detrimental consequences of substantial
advertisements
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 on
childrens’
Change noun form
children’s
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 body health.
That is
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 to say,
children
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 may consume lots of artificial materials or unhealthy
additive
Fix the agreement mistake
additives
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 after watching snacks or fast
food related
Add a hyphen
food-related
show examples
advertisements
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.
For example
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, picture a scenario
that
Change preposition
in
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
which Mcdonald’s
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Mcdonald’s
Correct your spelling
McDonald’s
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 promotes their new set for
children
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 with attractive toys.
Subsequently
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,
children
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 will start queuing a line in front of the stores only for the toys and consume lots of beverages and
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
 which are high-fat and high-sugar. These unhealthy diets can significantly increase the
likelyhood
Correct your spelling
likelihood
 of suffering from obesity and diabetes. In conclusion, based on the aforementioned, it is essential to make an effort to prevent
children
Use synonyms
 from reaching
advertisements
Use synonyms
due to
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 the negative impact on
childrens’
Change noun form
children’s
show examples
 shopping habits and physical health.

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task achievement
Ensure to elaborate more on the reasons behind your opinions. Each point should be supported with deeper analysis or implications of the arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use a variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the overall coherence of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases; careful proofreading could help improve clarity and precision.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which sets a clear direction for your essay.
task achievement
The examples you provided related to your personal experience and the health implications of advertisements are relevant and add weight to your arguments.
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