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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the global market ratio of the three computer operating systems compared to others from 2012 to 2015.

The charts below show the global market ratio of the three computer operating systems compared to others from 2012 to 2015.
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The presented pie graph gave information about the global market radio of the three electronic computer operating
structure
Fix the agreement mistake
structures
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 (
Os
Use synonyms
 1,
Os
Use synonyms
 2,0s 3 and others) over a period of 3 years between 2012 and 2015.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the data of the three types varied significantly during the period shown.it is
also
Linking Words
 noticeable that in
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 it
decline
Correct subject-verb agreement
declines
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 over time.
on the other hand
Linking Words
, the rapid influx of
in
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Os
Use synonyms
 1 and in
Os
Use synonyms
 2,
Use synonyms
Os
Correct word choice
and Os
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 3
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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remain
Correct subject-verb agreement
remains
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 unchanged. Looking at the pie graph more closely, one can see that from 2010 to 2015 there was many a fluctuation and a dramatic rise in
Os
Use synonyms
 1 20%,38%,47% and 52%, respectively.On the one hand,in
Others
Add a comma
Others,
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 the
opposited
Correct your spelling
opposite
 trend from 2012 to 2015 recorded lower rates (
for
Change preposition
apply
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48% in 2012 sharp decline
Change preposition
of
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15% in 2015 over time).
In addition
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,
stark
Change preposition
in stark
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 contrast
in
Change preposition
to
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Os
Use synonyms
 3, one can see that it is delegation in the range
15
Change preposition
of 15
show examples
% and little
changed
Wrong verb form
change
show examples
 and return to the original number in 2012.
Finally
Linking Words
,in
Os
Use synonyms
 2 there was a slight growth trend in the proportion of computer operating systems in
global
Correct article usage
the global
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 market ratio
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period,around 18%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words os with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 2 times.
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