IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the cause of the problem and what measure could be taken to solve it?

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Nowadays, There are some countries that face an issue with the rise of obesity among its population, and
decline
Correct article usage
the decline
show examples
 of general public
health
Use synonyms
 and fitness. In my opinion, the modern lifestyle cause
this
Linking Words
 problem to grow significantly, and I think public awareness and changing bad habits will help to improve
individuals
Change noun form
individuals'
individual's
show examples
overall
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss
this
Linking Words
 matter in detail.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the fast life base creates
obese
Correct article usage
an obese
show examples
 population.
For instance
Linking Words
, individuals eat fast
food
Use synonyms
 daily because they have no time to coke for themselves.
Therefore
Linking Words
, people gain extra weight.
Additionally
Linking Words
, most people prefer to use transportation than walking or riding a bicycle to go to their destination.
For example
Linking Words
, because of the hot
temperture
Correct your spelling
temperature
temperatures
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most of the year in my town, I use my car more often and walk less. If we add unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 choices to the lack of activity, the result is
Correct article usage
an obeisty
show examples
obeisty
Correct your spelling
obesity
 crisis. The solution to
this
Linking Words
 problem will be in the hands of the government by raising public awareness about the
danager
Correct your spelling
danger
dangers
 of overweight on the body and
health
Use synonyms
 in general, and promoting healthy
food
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
 people to join
sport event
Fix the agreement mistake
sports events
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 like
marathon
Fix the agreement mistake
marathons
show examples
. In conclusion, the modern lifestyle that lacks movement and unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
choice
Fix the agreement mistake
choices
show examples
,
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 the rise of obesity and a decrease in activities and well-being. I strongly believe that the government have a big role to inform and encourage their citizens to have a healthy lifestyle, so it can lead to improvement of the public general
health
Use synonyms

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task achievement
The introduction could be more engaging and clearly present the main points that will be discussed in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use linking words and phrases effectively to improve the flow of your essay. For instance, consider using phrases like 'in addition,' 'furthermore,' and 'on the other hand.'
task achievement
Try to develop your ideas further with more examples or explanations to enhance clarity and depth.
coherence and cohesion
Proofread for spelling and grammatical errors, as these can detract from the overall quality of the essay (e.g., 'coke' should be 'cook,' 'temperture' should be 'temperature,' and 'danager' should be 'danger').
task achievement
The essay identifies a relevant issue and presents a clear opinion on the causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of the essay is present with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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