IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many young people do not know how to manage their money when graduating from high school.What do you think are the causes of this?What solutions can be suggested?

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families
Use synonyms
 suffer because their
children
Use synonyms
 spend a lot of
money
Use synonyms
 within a short time. The question is, Neremous of young people do not know how to manage their
budget
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, there are many reasons,
However
Linking Words
, The main reason is the
families
Use synonyms
 did not make restrictions on
Use synonyms
budget
Correct article usage
the budget
show examples
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
. The solution is
schools
Use synonyms
 should provide subjects about
management
Use synonyms
 the
money
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I am going to introduce details
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 reasons and the solutions.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
Responsibility
Correct article usage
the Responsibility
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 bear between the
families
Use synonyms
 and the
schools
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
,
Families
Use synonyms
 did not teach their
children
Use synonyms
 how to spend their
money
Use synonyms
,
For instance
Linking Words
, My uncle did not make rules on
money
Use synonyms
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
,
Therefore
Linking Words
, My cousin graduated from high school,
In addition
Linking Words
, He does not know how to spend his capital.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
Schools
Use synonyms
 do not teach the
folk
Use synonyms
 enough about
management
Use synonyms
budget
Use synonyms
,
Therefore
Linking Words
, Many
children
Use synonyms
 spend a lot of capital nowadays.
For instance
Linking Words
, My school have never learnt
management
Use synonyms
budget
Use synonyms
,
As a result
Linking Words
, I do not know how to spend my cash.
However
Linking Words
, The
schools
Use synonyms
' main factor about
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
children
Use synonyms
,
Therefore
Linking Words
, Teachers around the world
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to teach
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 about
Use synonyms
management
Replace the word
managing
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, The
folk
Use synonyms
 had better make restrictions on their
budget
Use synonyms
 their
folk
Use synonyms
 since primary school.
For instance
Linking Words
, in China all the
schools
Use synonyms
 must teach their pupils how to spend their cash,
As a result
Linking Words
, The best
children
Use synonyms
 know about administration
account
Fix the agreement mistake
accounts
show examples
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
in China. In conclusion, I would argue that
main
Correct article usage
the main
show examples
 reason is
house
Correct article usage
the house
show examples
 did not teach their
folk
Use synonyms
,
Besides
Linking Words
, The teachers did not give enough time to the
folk
Use synonyms
 to teach them how to deal with their cash.
However
Linking Words
, To solve
this
Linking Words
 problem all the
schools
Use synonyms
 should teach their pupils.

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task achievement
Your essay's introduction can be improved by providing a clearer overview of your main points. Try summarizing the causes and solutions more explicitly for your reader.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use correct articles and plural forms. For example, 'families did not make restrictions on budget their children' should be 'families did not set restrictions on their children's budgets.'
coherence and cohesion
Organize your paragraphs better. Each paragraph should ideally have one main idea that is clearly outlined and supported with examples. Ensure each paragraph flows logically into the next.
task achievement
You have identified important causes and solutions related to the topic.
task achievement
You have made an effort to include personal examples, which adds depth to your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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