IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Many conserved beverages and
foods
Use synonyms
 have
the
Correct article usage
apply
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high levels of sugar,
therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 think that these products should be more costly to inspire
people
Use synonyms
 to eat less sugar.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees that sweetie
foods
Use synonyms
 should be high-priced to prevent consuming them less as
this
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 would promote a healthy lifestyle and help to save
your
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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money
Use synonyms
. One of the main reasons for increasing the price of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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candy
foods
Use synonyms
 is to encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to live more healthily. When
people
Use synonyms
 see that
foods
Use synonyms
 which consist of a high degree of sugar are expensive, they will not prefer to buy
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 because of
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 price.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 the given information from the BazarStore which is a popular food-shopping centre in Azerbaijan
confessed
Verb problem
apply
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that when it increased the prices of
foods
Use synonyms
 from the chocolate category by approximately 20 per cent, they have seized that the purchasing rate of these products
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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decreased 2 times.
As a result
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 are encouraged to
Add a missing verb
have the
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
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 healthy lifestyle by consuming those sugary
foods
Use synonyms
 not so much. It can even help to increase
people
Use synonyms
’s lifespan and enhance vitality and refreshment.
Secondly
Linking Words
, eating unhealthy
foods
Use synonyms
 and drinking sweetie beverages allow
people
Use synonyms
 to dedicate
to
Correct pronoun usage
themselves to
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do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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saving. Giving almost all your
money
Use synonyms
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
junk
foods
Use synonyms
 and snacks truly affects
people
Use synonyms
’s well-being. In
this
Linking Words
 case,
people
Use synonyms
 not only feel poor but
also
Linking Words
 become unhealthy.
For instance
Linking Words
, a survey conducted in the USA among local residents found that when the prices of highly sugary
foods
Use synonyms
 were increased,
people
Use synonyms
 were more able to pay their bills, buy clothes, and socialize with friends, as they spent less of their
money
Use synonyms
 on
such
Linking Words
 products.
Consequently
Linking Words
, it encourages
people
Use synonyms
 to spend their
money
Use synonyms
 on more meaningful things in their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 essay supports the idea that the prices of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugary
foods
Use synonyms
 should be more costly to encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to consume them less.
This
Linking Words
 idea not only contributes to a healthy lifestyle but
also
Linking Words
 may help them balance their finance.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider improving the introduction by clearly stating your position and outlining the main points you will discuss. This helps set the context for your reader.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs have clear topic sentences that relate directly to the essay question. This will improve the logical flow of your ideas.
task achievement
Use more varied vocabulary and grammatical structures to express your ideas. This can help make your points clearer and more engaging.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic, which is essential for task achievement.
task achievement
You included relevant examples to support your points, which enhances the effectiveness of your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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