IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

With growing population in cities, more and more people live in homes with little or no outdoor space. Do you think this is a positive or negative developement?

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Civilisation has led to an increase in
migration
Correct article usage
the migration
show examples
 of people from rural areas to urban areas.
Due to
Linking Words
 crowding in cities, people have started to live in flats and houses with no or very
less
Replace the word
little
show examples
 outdoor
space
Use synonyms
. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 is a negative development and the grounds of my perception shall be discussed in
this
Linking Words
 essay.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, homes with no front
space
Use synonyms
 or backyard make it very difficult for children to find a place for outdoor games.
This
Linking Words
 results in an increase in their screen time
such
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 as they prefer to play video games, use mobile phones etcetera.
However
Linking Words
,
this
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 has a poor effect on their
overall
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health
Use synonyms
. To exemplify, psychologists have proven that it is important for children to play outdoors , especially in soil for better psychological and cognitive development .
However
Linking Words
, outdoor games
such
Linking Words
 as badminton, basketball, football and so on play a pivotal role in physical growth.
Similarly
Linking Words
, for adults, an outdoor
space
Use synonyms
 is required
for refreshing
Change preposition
to refresh
show examples
 their minds as sitting outdoors in fresh air reduces stress.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, a little backyard makes it convenient to organise small gatherings in the house only and reduces the expenses of booking
restaurant
Correct article usage
a restaurant
show examples
 or cafe for a get-together.
Moreover
Linking Words
, to take care of
health
Use synonyms
 and to avoid
health
Use synonyms
 problems
due to
Linking Words
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle a little walking
space
Use synonyms
 will motivate an individual to walk or exercise. To summarise, I would like to state that for career growth moving to cities into small houses could be the need of the hour but good
health
Use synonyms
 and a happy prosperous family
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a
need
Replace the word
needed
show examples
 for a lifetime. Open houses with proper ventilation are important for good
health
Use synonyms
 and growth

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task achievement
Clarify your position more strongly in the introduction; consider using a more definitive phrase to signal your viewpoint.
coherence
Ensure that all ideas are tightly linked to your main argument to improve the clarity of your points.
coherence
Try to enhance your conclusion by summarizing key points more explicitly; a stronger closing statement could also reinforce your argument.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the negative aspects of limited outdoor space for both children and adults, illustrating a range of concerns related to health and wellbeing.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples, such as health impacts on children and adults relative to outdoor space, which strengthen your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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