IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Walking is known to be beneficial for health but these days the number of people walking has reduced a lot. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to tackle this situation?

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Nowadays, It has been observed that many
people
Use synonyms
 lead sedentary lifestyles, despite the fact that activities
such
Linking Words
 as walking are essential for well-being and longevity. In
this
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 essay, I will explore what are the main reasons for
this
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 issue and
secondly
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 , I will explore some potential remedies to address it. There is significant evidence across a wide range of health-related issues
due to
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 the lack of exercise in today's households. In the first place, Technology plays a crucial role in driving
this
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 problem.
In other words
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, large segments of the population spend an enormous amount of time behind screens, including gaming, social media, and online meetings which means they stay at home more than in the past. During the COVID-19 pandemic , individuals were confined in their homes, many employees began working online which led to hectic routines.
secondly
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, As a result of digitizing education at an unprecedented rate , lots of ordinary
people
Use synonyms
 are now taking online courses ,
while
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 in previous decades, they attended face-to-face classes which allowed walking and going outside .
On the other hand
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, there are some sustainable methods that can be adopted to alleviate
this
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 problem. Education is often seen as a key factor in alerting
people
Use synonyms
 how a lack of
sports
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 can cause chronic illnesses
such
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 as diabetes, high heart rate, and cancer. If schools,
for instance
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 , put
sports
Use synonyms
 as a school syllabus alongside other subjects,
then
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 teach youngsters to do exercises regularly. Governments should build special areas and parks that are suitable for walking and jogging. the effects in turn encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to do
sports
Use synonyms
 more. The Netherlands government ,
for example
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, has developed many special areas for walking and biking as a result more
people
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 engage in
sports
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 and use bikes
while
Linking Words
 they go to work or the market compared with other countries which drive cars.
To conclude
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, despite digitalization and modern lifestyles which make
people
Use synonyms
 lazy, some approaches can encourage them to do exercises more and more.

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coherence and cohesion
While your essay is generally well-structured, make sure that each paragraph has a clear focus and flows logically from one to the next. Consider linking ideas more explicitly, for example by using additional linking phrases in paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion could be made stronger. Try to rephrase the thesis statement in the introduction to clearly outline the points you will discuss. Additionally, your conclusion could restate the main points more clearly to reinforce your message.
task achievement
When providing examples, make sure they are clearly connected to your argument. The example about the Netherlands is good, but it would be beneficial to explain how this relates to the earlier points about encouraging walking or exercise.
task achievement
The essay covers the task well by discussing both the reasons for decreased walking and potential solutions, showing a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You used relevant examples, such as the COVID-19 pandemic and the Netherlands, which enhance your arguments and demonstrate your ability to provide supporting details.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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