IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Children nowadays watch significantly more television than those in the past, which reduces their activity levels accordingly. Why is this the case? What measures can you suggest to encourage higher levels of activüy among children? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.

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In today's fast-moving life technology has been proven to be a blessing but it has some disadvantages
also
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. It is seen that nowadays
children
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 spend longer hours watching television rather than playing outdoors. In
this
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 essay, I will shed light on the reasons behind the
problem
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as well as
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 suggest some appropriate solutions to the
problem
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. First of all, one of the major causes of increasing screen time is a hectic lifestyle. Parents are busy with their jobs and they are unable to pay adequate attention to the activities their child is doing in his leisure time.
For instance
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, both parents are working they return to the house after a long day and want to rest
as a result
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 they allow their child to play on their mobile phone so that they can have a nap.
Secondly
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, there are many new video games in the market which
children
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 love to play resulting in increased screen
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
.
Moreover
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, migration to cities into small houses without proper playing space has made
children
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 to be engaged in indoor activities only.
However
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, to tackle
this
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problem
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 as it has many adverse effects on the health of
children
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; parents need to balance their personal and professional lives.
Also
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, they should make rules
such
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 as no phones on
dining
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the dining
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 table and should allow
children
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 to use screens for a certain amount of time only.
To conclude
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, it is evident that
children
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 nowadays prefer staying indoors and have become 'couch potatoes' but joint efforts can help to mitigate the
problem
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.

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task achievement
Consider adding more detail to your examples to enhance clarity and comprehensiveness. For instance, when discussing how busy parents lead to increased screen time, you could elaborate on the implications this has for children's health or development.
coherence
Ensure that your paragraphs have clear topic sentences that outline the main point you will discuss in that paragraph to strengthen coherence.
coherence
Try to use a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., linking words and phrases) to help improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
structure
The essay is clearly structured with an introduction, several body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is a great foundation for coherence and cohesion.
content
You have identified relevant factors contributing to children's increased screen time, which is a positive aspect of your task response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • screen time
  • physical activity
  • childhood obesity
  • social interactions
  • leisure activities
  • engagement
  • community programs
  • active lifestyle
  • digital devices
  • organized sports
  • outdoor play
  • parenting norms
  • safety concerns
  • health benefits
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