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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. To what extent do you agree?

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It is undeniable that in today's day and age, the influence of social
media
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 platforms is increasing among youngsters.
However
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, many individuals argue that the constant coverage of artists by the
media
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 has a negative impact on children. I totally agree with the notion that news reporter's updates about superstars lead to a bad influence on young adults for two main reasons. To commence with, the first reason would be the way artists present themselves in front of the
media
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 as they set unrealistic beauty standards and lifestyle choices, which spread curiosity among adults. Children are great imitators
hence
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, they idolize their superstars and try to copy their behaviour and choices to make themselves superior and ideal to their peers.
For instance
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, many high school girls wear makeup daily in school to look glamorous.
Thus
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, they put extensive efforts into looking beautiful and attractive like their role models, which ultimately leads to constant pressure on them to achieve higher beauty standards.
Furthermore
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, the following reason could be the accessibility of various digital
media
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 platforms that make a buzz around celebrities' affairs constantly. Social
media
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 influencers and other reporters make engaging content about their lives would be disadvantageous as many youngsters follow their updates on a regular basis which is why they waste their valuable time on digital platforms.
Therefore
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, they often distract from their academic goals. For illustration, pupils spend more time on social
media
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 which makes them feel vulnerable and distracted from their real-life goals.
To sum up
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, in my personal view, the continuous coverage from the
media
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 about artists' affairs could negatively influence children as they imitate their behaviours and their curiosity to know everything about their idols, often puts them on edge.
This
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 behaviour could impact their education
as well as
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 their unrealistic beauty goals.

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task achievement
Consider providing a more comprehensive conclusion that not only summarizes your points but also offers a final thought or recommendation regarding media consumption for children.
coherence and cohesion
Try to enhance the logical flow of your essay by using more cohesive devices such as linking words and phrases. This will help connect your ideas more fluidly.
task achievement
Expand on your examples to illustrate your points more vividly. Providing personal anecdotes or statistics could strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position on the topic and maintains this viewpoint consistently throughout the text.
coherence and cohesion
You have organized your ideas into separate paragraphs, each focusing on a distinct point, which is commendable.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Celebrity culture
  • Glamorization
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Self-esteem
  • Scandals
  • Role models
  • Moral development
  • Mental health
  • Influence
  • Exposure
  • Social media platforms
  • Charity work
  • Inappropriate behavior
  • Perfection image
  • Negative impact
  • Inspire children
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