IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Using a computer everyday can have more negative than positive effects on children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Computers are
getting
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
 part of our life whatever a
Use synonyms
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 or
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
. The question is, Watching a
smartdevice
Correct your spelling
smart device
smart-device
 most of the week
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 more negative than positive on young people. In my opinion, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 point. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I am going to describe the negative
affect
Correct your spelling
effects
show examples
 on
children
Use synonyms
 who spend
numerous
Fix the agreement mistake
a lot of
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 on a computer.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
children
Use synonyms
 do not spend enough
time
Use synonyms
 with their friends or families,
in other words
Linking Words
, They spend a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 on a
smartdevice
Correct your spelling
smart device
,
therefore
Linking Words
, they do not have many friends in
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 social life.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, most of the
children
Use synonyms
 have some issues
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their health,
as a result
Linking Words
, they do not play any
sport
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as football or volleyball.
For instance
Linking Words
, My cousin has
issue
Add an article
an issue
show examples
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 his body because he has never played any
sport
Use synonyms
.
Hence
Linking Words
, The
sport
Use synonyms
 is essential in any
Use synonyms
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 life.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, video games are
dangerous
Correct article usage
a dangerous
show examples
 community because all of them
strangers
Add a missing verb
are strangers
show examples
 people.
Also
Linking Words
, The
child
Use synonyms
 might meet someone dangerous there,
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
child
Use synonyms
 should not spend too much
time
Use synonyms
 on a computer.
For instance
Linking Words
, My brother has been playing video games for a long
time
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
, he met a dangerous man and
then
Linking Words
 the dangerous man invited my brother to his country so I have not seen my brother for six months. In conclusion, I would argue that we have to control
children
Use synonyms
'
time
Use synonyms
 who spend too much
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Besides
Linking Words
, we should take the
children
Use synonyms
 to a gym or any
sport
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your opinion, but it could be more formally structured. Try rephrasing for clarity: instead of 'the question is', say 'This raises the question of whether...'.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs are well structured. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences and relevant examples. This will help improve the logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Be cautious with grammar and spelling. There are several minor errors (e.g., 'Watching a smartdevice' should be 'watching smart devices', 'essential in any child life' should be 'essential in any child's life').
task achievement
You provided personal examples which add authenticity and relatability to your argument. This shows your engagement with the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: