IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, people are moving to other countries to seek jobs. Some people think it affects the children of such home negativity while some others think it is beneficial to them. Discuss both sides and state your opinion

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In recent years, many are migrating to various foreign nations for work-life balance. Some
advocates
Fix the agreement mistake
advocate
show examples
 that it may make huge differences in
relation
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the relation
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 between family and
children
Use synonyms
whereas
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 most contend that it is definitely a good step towards their future. In my view, it really helps the new generation to achieve their goal.
To begin
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 with, the globalized world has brought various opportunities
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the modern world has brought various opportunities that have allowed them to complete their dreams. But
this
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 globalization
also
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 influences some negative factors in terms of
sense
Correct article usage
a sense
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 of community.
Further
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, the
children
Use synonyms
 and particularly the husbands do not give importance to their parents and wives respectively
. .
Replace the punctuation
.
...
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For instance
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,
a news
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news
a piece of news
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 from
punjab
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Punjab
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 found that a wife
is
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has been
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 waiting for almost 20 years for his husband to return
India
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to India
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 but he
didnot
Correct your spelling
did not
didn't
arrive
Wrong verb form
arrived
show examples
. A report leads to extra
marrital
Correct your spelling
marital
affair
Fix the agreement mistake
affairs
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 had been started there.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
leaves
Change the verb form
leave
show examples
 everything behind even their parents and do not value cultures, traditions and relations anymore.
Consequently
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,
this
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 shows the negative impact of moving abroad.
However
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, going to other countries for study and work
extremely
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is extremely
show examples
 helpful for pupils in making their dream
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
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 true. Students read and work
alongwith
Correct your spelling
along with
 managing all their tasks independently.
For example
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, Kalpana Chawla is the most eminent personality , she moved to
United
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the United
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 States, where she
had
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apply
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enrolled in studies and
then
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 started research in aerospace.
Additionally
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,
children
Use synonyms
 can learn many skills which may benefit
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their life goals.
Infact
Correct your spelling
In fact
,
overall
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 personality development is one of the greatest
advantage
Change to a plural noun
advantages
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 of moving to other countries.
Nevertheless
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,
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 definitely overshadow the negativity. In conclusion,success comes in a good way to
new
Add an article
a new
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 generation after moving abroad and I think it is the most logical stance to adopt in
this
Linking Words
ever changing
Add a hyphen
ever-changing
show examples
 world.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to clearly outline your introduction and conclusion in a way that summarizes your main points and presents your stance explicitly. This helps readers understand your argument more readily.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider providing clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs to improve the flow of your essay. This will help guide the reader through your argument more seamlessly.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific and diverse examples to support your arguments. This can strengthen your points and make your essay more compelling.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your ideas are expressed clearly and logically. Some sentences could be rephrased for clarity to better communicate your thoughts.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument and provides a personal opinion, which is important for task achievement.
Task Achievement
You included relevant examples from real life, such as the case of Kalpana Chawla, which adds credibility to your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • emotional stability
  • academic progress
  • emotional distress
  • gain employment
  • educational journey
  • exposure to diverse cultures
  • financial stability
  • worldview
  • enhanced earnings
  • quality of life
  • mitigate
  • interventions
  • comprehensive
  • enriching development
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