IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this epidemic? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, a lot of people are overweight and get chronically sick.
This
Linking Words
 epidemic is happening especially in the big
city
Fix the agreement mistake
cities
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss my point of view about the main effects of
this
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 epidemic and the reasons why it’s
occured
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occurred
. Society in the metropolitan area tends to be busy
on
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with
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 their daily life. They worked 8 to 5 to
fulfill
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fulfil
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 their needs and wants. Obviously, once returning home, they are weary and tired.
That is
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 why, individuals are more likely to order fast
foods
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 rather than to cook or prepare healthy
foods
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 because of its accessibility and fast service.
For example
Linking Words
, for the worker who works daily in front of
computer
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the computer
a computer
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, fast
food
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 is more enjoyable, because we don’t need to think about what kind of
food
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 we have to eat tonight.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, fast
foods
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 are proven as one of the main effects of being overweight because they contain a lot of sugars and unhealthy fats. Eating a lot of sugar will result in high blood sugar and result in obesity.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the cooking methods are not in accordance
to
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with
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 standards
worsen
Wrong verb form
worsening
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 the problem
causes
Wrong verb form
caused
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 by the
food
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.
For example
Linking Words
, one portion of fast
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foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 contains 1,200 - 1,500 calories, almost the daily
limits
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limit
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 for some people. In conclusion, the rising epidemic of obesity and chronic illness in the big city is largely driven by the convenience of fast
food
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 and the demanding urban lifestyle.
While
Linking Words
 fast
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foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 can be a solution for busy individuals, its content contributes to health problems. To combat
this
Linking Words
 issue, raising the awareness of healthy eating habits and lifestyle is essential. In the end, making conscious
food
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 choices and prioritizing healthy
food
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 is important to help society get a better life.

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task achievement
Consider adding more detailed examples and statistics to support your points on the effects of being overweight.
coherence and cohesion
Increase the variety of linking words and phrases in order to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states the primary causes and effects so that the reader knows what to expect.
task achievement
The essay addresses both causes and effects of overweight, showing a clear understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion summarizes the main points and provides a call to action, which is effective.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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