IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that governments should invest more in public services instead of wasting money on arts such as music and paintings. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is an ongoing debate regarding whether governments should allocate more funds to public
services
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 rather than investing in the
arts
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.
While
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 I agree that essential public
services
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 should be the primary focus of government spending, I
also
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 believe that the
arts
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 play a crucial role in cultural and personal development and should not be entirely neglected.
To begin
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 with, public
services
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such
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 as transportation, sanitation, and emergency healthcare are fundamental to a well-functioning society. Governments must prioritize these sectors to ensure citizens' safety and
overall
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 well-being.
For instance
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, increased funding for emergency
services
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 can significantly reduce waiting times for ambulances and hospital care, potentially saving lives.
Similarly
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, investing in public cleanliness by financing waste management and sanitation
services
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 can improve public health and create employment opportunities.
Additionally
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, in major metropolitan cities
such
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 as Istanbul, New York, and Tokyo, traffic congestion remains a pressing issue. By investing in efficient public transportation systems,
such
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 as metro networks and buses with frequent schedules, governments can reduce overcrowding, improve air quality, and enhance urban mobility.
On the other hand
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, completely disregarding the
arts
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 in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of public
services
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 could diminish the quality of life. Music, painting, and other artistic expressions contribute to cultural identity, creativity, and emotional well-being. Many young artists and talented individuals require financial support to develop their skills and share their work with society. The
arts
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 provide a platform for self-expression, stress relief, and even economic growth through
tourism
Correct article usage
the tourism
show examples
 and entertainment industries. Without government support, many art forms could fade away, leading to a less vibrant and diverse cultural landscape. In conclusion,
while
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 I believe that public
services
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 should be the primary focus of government expenditure to ensure a high standard of living, the
arts
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 should not be entirely overlooked. A balanced approach, where both sectors receive appropriate funding, would lead to a society
that is
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 not only functional but
also
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 rich in cultural and artistic expression.

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Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear argument and addresses both sides of the debate, which is commendable. However, you might want to strengthen the connection between your examples and the points made. Ensure that the examples directly illustrate the importance of the arts alongside public services to enhance clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively summarize your stance and main points. For further improvement, consider rearranging sentences in some paragraphs to enhance flow and create a stronger impact. Using more varied linking words can also aid in guiding the reader through your points more seamlessly.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument is well-structured, with clear paragraphs for each main point, making it easy to follow.
Task Achievement
The inclusion of specific examples, such as traffic congestion in major cities and the role of art in cultural identity, adds depth to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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