IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

A rise in the use of mobile phones in the classroom by schoolchildren is severely impacting their concentration in class and overall education development. What are the causes of the problem, and what can be done to solve it ?

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While
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 mobile
phones
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 offer educational benefits, their detrimental effect on student concentration in the
classroom
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 is significant and requires immediate attention. It, by and large, not only affects the practitioners or professionals but
also
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 a broader segment of people,
such
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 as
students
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 and the elderly. In the context of children's
behavior
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behaviour
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 in the
classroom
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that is
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 shifting negatively because of the
usage
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 of mobile
phones
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, it can be explained well by breaking down the advantages and disadvantages of gadget
usage
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. Admittedly, mobile
phones
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 have helped to ease people's lives, at least for the
last
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 two decades.
This
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 undeniable fact makes it difficult to get rid of the influence of mobile
phones
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 in the matter of the educational sector, as lots of schools have implemented online-based classrooms and/or task
fulfillment
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fulfilment
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 remotely through
such
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 online applications. Indeed,
this
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 really has helped
students
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 and teachers to do their roles with fewer obstacles.
Moreover
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, artificial intelligence or the
internet
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Internet
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 of
things
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Things
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 has emerged to fix some wider educational system issues that have lasted for the past years.
On the other hand
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, The pervasive nature of mobile
phone
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 addiction is a primary factor contributing to decreased
classroom
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 concentration among
students
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.
This
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 phenomenon decidedly affected the
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students
Change to a genitive case
student's
students'
show examples
 performance academically and threatened their future lives and careers.
Furthermore
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, the addictive design of many mobile
phone
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 apps,
coupled with
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 the constant stream of notifications and social media updates, triggers dopamine release in the brain, hindering the sustained attention required for effective learning. Ultimately,
While
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 some argue the impact is minimal, the evidence overwhelmingly suggests that unchecked mobile
phone
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 use significantly hampers academic performance. In
this
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 case, Schools could implement designated '
phone
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-free' learning zones. Teachers can incorporate interactive, technology-integrated learning activities that minimize the need for personal devices. Parents can collaborate with schools to establish consistent
usage
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 policies at home and school. By that, children can fully understand what their necessity is in class through the assistance of a mobile
phone
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.
Therefore
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,
although
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 technology offers advantages, addressing mobile
phone
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 addiction and inappropriate
classroom
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usage
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 is crucial to mitigating their negative impact on student learning.

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Task Achievement
Consider adding a more explicit thesis statement in the introduction that clearly outlines the main points you will address in the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to consistently capitalize the first letter of sentences, and ensure proper punctuation for clarity. For example, 'On the other hand, The pervasive...' can be corrected to 'On the other hand, the pervasive...'.
Task Achievement
Expand on some of the points with additional specific examples or further explanation. For instance, when mentioning how schools can create 'phone-free' zones, provide an example of how this could be implemented in a real classroom scenario.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively addresses the topic, balancing both the advantages and disadvantages of mobile phone usage in education.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a logical progression of ideas, particularly in how you transition from discussing the benefits of mobile phones to their drawbacks.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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