IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Crime rate, in most countries, is often higher in urban areas than in rural areas. Why do you think that is? What can be done to reduce the crime rate?

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Population
Correct article usage
The population
show examples
 in
cities
Use synonyms
 is more inclined to commit crimes than that in the countryside. I believe
this
Linking Words
 is because, in the
cities
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 use more drugs causing addiction;
as well as
Linking Words
 there are more
migrants
Use synonyms
 with low income. I suppose
this
Linking Words
 issue can be solved if the government addresses the drug problem and reduces the alienation of the new residents. One of the primary reasons why the crime rate is higher in urban
areas
Use synonyms
 is drug addiction which leads to committing more crimes. To buy drugs - which are quite expensive -
people
Use synonyms
 need money nearly all the time.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they are often unemployed because not many companies hire "long-haired freaky
people
Use synonyms
".
Therefore
Linking Words
, they have to get some money in an illegal way which usually means that they will become criminals. In order to prevent
this
Linking Words
, governments should raise
people
Use synonyms
's awareness about illegal substances
as well as
Linking Words
 provide more opportunities for an active lifestyle: build more free-of-charge facilities to do sports, and show more commercials about the benefits of being healthy. Another major reason for the higher crime rate in the
cities
Use synonyms
, particularly in metropolitan
areas
Use synonyms
, is that
migrants
Use synonyms
 tend to go to big
cities
Use synonyms
 in order to find a well-paid job. It is a well-known fact that there are a plethora of better vacancies in urban
areas
Use synonyms
 than in rural
areas
Use synonyms
, which leads migration flow to bigger
cities
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the mechanisms of adaptation are not good enough;
migrants
Use synonyms
 and their families remain alienated from society, they and their families do not know
official
Add an article
the official
show examples
 language well enough to find a decent job.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
migrants
Use synonyms
 desperately try to provide for their families and commit crimes. I think that
this
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 issue could be tackled if countries improved their policies and developed free language courses for newcomers.
To conclude
Linking Words
, the two main reasons for the higher crime rate in the
cities
Use synonyms
 are drug addiction and poor migrant adaptation programmes. I assume that in order to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem, government bodies should address these issues.

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Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the task well by identifying reasons and suggesting solutions, but providing more specific examples would strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence, try using more varied linking words and phrases for smooth transitions between ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Making sure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence will better support your main points and improve clarity.
Task Achievement
You present relevant ideas and solutions to the problem effectively, showing a good understanding of the topic and the issues involved.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of your essay is generally logical, with clear paragraphs corresponding to specific points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • anonymity
  • social cohesion
  • socioeconomic disparities
  • desperation
  • urban stressors
  • mental health
  • community policing
  • job opportunities
  • poverty
  • inequality
  • public spaces
  • surveillance cameras
  • deterrent
  • recidivism
  • reintegration programs
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